Ready for war?

I wonder how big Vladimir Putin’s willy is. My initial feeling was that it is probably pretty small. He looks like the kind of man who would have a small one. He certainly acts like the kind of man who has a small one, what with all his macho posturing and artillery waving. He looks […]

Try To Look Away.

Somewhere out there is a small group of awful people who get to decide what goes on TV. I’m not talking about the directors, producers, actors or presenters, but rather about the commissioners and the type of people that sit down and decide what sort of programme we might like to watch today; or more […]

A 70’s worth of riff.

It’s a question you’ve probably asked yourself many times: just what is a riff? And believe you me, it’s a very good question (and you are a remarkably clever and thoughtful person to have asked). When it comes to the technical side of music I am very patchy indeed, and so I can’t give the […]

On Chinese snow.

Maybe I’ve been living under a rock too long. Maybe I’m just far too naïve for my own good. Naïve, almost certainly, but I wouldn’t say I was thick across the board. And yet it has never occurred to me that there is so little snow left that we have to make more snow to […]

More On Adele.

And suddenly I see what has happened to Adele. She’s turned. She’s lost her way. She believes the hype. She has allowed all the smoke that’s been blown up her (bleached?) arsehole to cloud her judgement. And I don’t believe her anymore. Some critics say they can hear her singing voice taking on more of […]

Just Three Pricks.

I was trying to put my finger on what the news this week reminded me of. Something to compare it all to. And then it hit me, very cleanly. A medal table – the Olympics, or a football league, whatever you want. Watching the push and pull at the top, no, the bottom. And this […]

A Pig’s Breakfast.

“Mr Hewitt, can you hear me?” (Slap, slap.) “Mr Hewitt, can you hear me, this is the nurse, you’re just coming round.” “Mmmm, oh, er, yes, I think I, yes………….. who are you?” “It’s the nurse Mr Hewitt, you’re just waking up, you’re in the hospital. Can you see me Mr Hewitt? Just take your […]

The Idiots Are Back!

Good news everybody! The Apprentice is back. It’s been away for nearly two years (much like fun and common sense) and I thoroughly applaud the return. Don’t ever let anyone, including Lord Sugar, tell you that The Apprentice should be taken seriously. It is to be ridiculed and hectored at every step of the way, […]

Christmas, deconstructed.

Christmas can’t last forever. Thank Christ for that. It may feel like this Christmas has been a particularly long one, but that’s because it started in October. No, July. No, it started as soon as the last Christmas ended. There is no escaping Christmas; we live in a country so utterly bookended by it that […]

Up in smoke.

There are few things you can do that scale to quite such dizzying heights of stupidity than smoking. Smoking is a fool’s game. Unfortunately, smoking is also one of the most enjoyable, glorious things that you can do with your time. I am still a smoker and the reason I have yet to kick the […]