Just Three Pricks.

I was trying to put my finger on what the news this week reminded me of. Something to compare it all to. And then it hit me, very cleanly. A medal table – the Olympics, or a football league, whatever you want. Watching the push and pull at the top, no, the bottom. And this […]

Read More Just Three Pricks.

A Pig’s Breakfast.

“Mr Hewitt, can you hear me?” (Slap, slap.) “Mr Hewitt, can you hear me, this is the nurse, you’re just coming round.” “Mmmm, oh, er, yes, I think I, yes………….. who are you?” “It’s the nurse Mr Hewitt, you’re just waking up, you’re in the hospital. Can you see me Mr Hewitt? Just take your […]

Read More A Pig’s Breakfast.

The Idiots Are Back!

Good news everybody! The Apprentice is back. It’s been away for nearly two years (much like fun and common sense) and I thoroughly applaud the return. Don’t ever let anyone, including Lord Sugar, tell you that The Apprentice should be taken seriously. It is to be ridiculed and hectored at every step of the way, […]

Read More The Idiots Are Back!

Christmas, deconstructed.

Christmas can’t last forever. Thank Christ for that. It may feel like this Christmas has been a particularly long one, but that’s because it started in October. No, July. No, it started as soon as the last Christmas ended. There is no escaping Christmas; we live in a country so utterly bookended by it that […]

Read More Christmas, deconstructed.

Up in smoke.

There are few things you can do that scale to quite such dizzying heights of stupidity than smoking. Smoking is a fool’s game. Unfortunately, smoking is also one of the most enjoyable, glorious things that you can do with your time. I am still a smoker and the reason I have yet to kick the […]

Read More Up in smoke.

Such an honour.

When I was a child I starred as Aslan in a school production of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe at the local village hall. Imagine my delight then, when this performance was recognised in the New Year Honour list. I mean, I was rather good in my home made lion outfit and an […]

Read More Such an honour.

Ball’s to apostrophes’.

I was recently picked up on my use of apostrophe’s by a loved one, who I should add is also far wiser than me (not a towering achievement, I know). I’m not saying shes’ better than me at everything but if they ever send those letter’s out offering a place in a nuclear bunker because […]

Read More Ball’s to apostrophes’.

Card Anxiety.

Calendars I can do. Indeed, calendars I do do. Every year I rattle through the many, many photos I have taken of Miss Hairy Mary Miyagi, possibly the most photogenic (and reluctant) cat of all time, and select 13 of the least worst to grace her own bespoke calendar. These are very rare productions: one […]

Read More Card Anxiety.

Care Home Christmas.

At the time of writing this I am sitting in a care home bedroom. If anywhere needs the spirit of Christmas to work a treat then it is the collected bedrooms of every care home across the land. Though even then the spirit of Christmas would end up fooling no one except, well, the spirit […]

Read More Care Home Christmas.

I Can’t Dance.

We were out for most of the day yesterday. But most of the day clearly wasn’t enough, because when we got back Strictly Come Dancing was still on, and that was a shame. Wifey has been typically consumed by it this year, but has been accommodating enough to watch it on catch-up and usually only […]

Read More I Can’t Dance.