Mucking About In Fountains.

That’s how the joke goes: what’s the difference between goldfish and goats? Goldfish like to muck about in fountains. You can do the rest. You’ll have to because when it comes to writing I may as well be semi-retired; which as far as you’re concerned is probably half way towards never hearing from me ever […]

Suffolks Sake.

Just like poor, lovely George Michael, we’ve all found ourselves in an unfortunate toilet situation at some point. Whether it be running out of paper at a crucial moment, accidentally splashing tap water on your trousers, pissing on your own shoes or pebble-dashing the walls, I’m here to tell you that bad things can happen […]

The Holiday 101.

Because we’ve all been there. Or somewhere. May contain mistakes. G B Burton. 21.07.2025

Come Together.

Hundreds of years ago, and only if you had the urge and power to make it so, it would take quite a lot of time and planning to gather even a modest rooms worth of arseholes together. Back then the world was, somehow, both a bigger and smaller place (although, more accurately and to fly […]

A Load Of Rubbish.

Literally, a load of rubbish about rubbish. It doesn’t matter that it’s rubbish, it’s just nice to crawl out of a big old rut and do something. Anything. Even if it is, indeed, quite rubbish. Living in Britain has become embarrassing. To be fair, it’s been embarrassing for a quite a while already. I’d say, […]

Tied Up In Knots.

I can’t really remember the last time I went to a wedding. Well, I can, because it was yesterday, but I can’t reliably remember the time before that. I’ve been to a generous handful of weddings in my time – a few of them have been good, a few have been ok and the rest […]