Facebook Fever

Oh boy is it starting to heat up on the Facebook front. In just 2 weeks or something I have acquired at least 5 friends. It might not sound much but they are at least friends and not ‘friends’. I’ve sent out a few more requests but I’ve realised it’s quite tricky because I’m trying to maintain a modicum of discretion with regards to my identity. That said at least 2 of the people who haven’t bothered accepting my most generous offer know exactly who I am. Abigail Frottagepot is one of them but then he is biblically idle and pressing that ‘accept’ button might bring on a flurry of gout. The other is probably busy doing whatever they do when they’re not already busy not bothering to reply to texts and so on.

Anyway I’m starting to vaguely find my feet on Facebook and while I’m not quite ready to take a warm shower with Mark Zuckerberg just yet I can see a few benefits to being connected that I had previously dismissed as pointless and socially destructive. It’s interesting to dip into half conversations between people you either know very little about or know nothing about. I say it’s interesting but that doesn’t mean the conversations are. If aliens land one day and use Facebook conversation streams as an indicator of our intelligence then they’ll automatically assume we starting taking heroin as toddlers or were educated by dogs. The sheer barrage of banality and skewed insincerity is astonishing. As is the constant arse licking. In a single text you can write what you want and be done with it but Facebook means you can get approval for being the lovely person you’re desperately pretending to be.

Then there are the photos. Billions of the buggers; usually 17 shots of the same thing only with the sun a fraction lower on the horizon each time or you and your mates gurning at some drunken gathering or some awful, meaningless poster that says ‘Love, Live, Laugh’ or just an artistic shot of your own garden with a witty comment (I don’t mind those ones, they’re a mark of genius). Sadly I’ve already joined the Hypocrites Premier League by posting 2 photos and I can feel a tingle of addiction starting to come on. I suppose it might wear off and it certainly will if I don’t get some more chums, but for now the bouncy little irritant that is Zuckerberg’s pension is here to stay. OK Mark, I’ll shower with you now, but it is going to cost you.

G B Hewitt. 8.5.2016


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