If intergalactic alien twats landed tomorrow morning hoping to locate and adopt a new leader that was also an intergalactic twat they would be spoilt for choice. Or would they? What might these aliens say?
‘Mmmm, your Mr Cameron, he was a leader but he was also a bit rubbish and now that he’s shitted his own doorstep he is less appealing as a new overlord for our intergalactic twat empire. And your grey, bearded, communist flop, he could not run a bath let alone a country. Gove, mmm, he is an A-hole. Nigel who? He looks like a fucked up racist muppet from where we’re hovering ominously, he will fail. Like a droopy cock. All your leaders are weak and sickly and couldn’t tell their arseholes from a towel holder, we want a truly unstoppable prick.’
‘Oh, hold on, let me have a look round the back, I’m sure we can dig someone up for you. Oh yes. Oh yes! I think you’ll be very pleased with this your intergalactic majesties. This guy, oh boy, this guy is priceless and if anyone could be supreme leader of the intergalactic twats it is he. You can have his greedy wife too, she has the face of a Garbage Pail Kid.’
‘And by what name do you call this stool sample.’
‘Hi, I’m Tony. Tony Fucking Blair.’
The facts and figures and pages and years are, when the game is over, actually pretty irrelevant because anyone sane knew going to Iraq for another war was the biggest waste of time since Neville Chamberlain flew to Berlin to stroke Adolf’s balls over a cup of tea and an albino sausage.
The simple fact is that Tony Blair is the biggest, lying shit in post war (World, II) politics. He doesn’t really know how to tell the truth anymore. His milky eyes glaze over, his crooked mouth creeps open and he grins a big shark grin through every word he says. Put your hands up if YOU believe that Tony’s right when he say the world is a better place following the fall of Saddam Hussein. Really, how could anyone believe that? Most people are scared to go to an airport these days. Great. Of course Blair’s entire time in power hung on his ‘beliefs’, but when your beliefs then hang from the smelly triumvirate of deep held Christianity (never a good start), brown-nosing and bullshit it’s no surprise he was wrong all along.
He told the press on Wednesday that a lot of people ask him why he works in the Middle East so much and he always replies that it’s to make the Middle East a safer place. So guilt then, Tony. You realise you totally, 100% fucked up AND lied through your grim teeth to the people that elected you and now you’ve gracefully chosen to get paid shed loads to lie some more in between topping up your tan, while your grotesque wife lumbers behind you like a fat Labrador in the spaghetti eating round at Crufts.
Tony, Tony, Tony. You really should have tried better. Instead you’ve washed up on the news again like a used condom on a beach. You’re a toilet bowl floater and a genital rash. Please go away. Topically, almost as annoying is Andrew Castle, who is spreading his wisdom like pile cream all over Wimbledon. Wimbledon isn’t what it used to be and he’s one of the reasons. He’s a TV person by mistake, someone send him back. How John McEnroe and Leyton Hewitt can squeeze into a commentary booth and have any respect for him is beyond me. Oh and thanks to the Microsoft tit who let Windows 10 perform GBH on my laptop and stop me from writing for 2 weeks. If they’re not careful I’ll have to move to Apple. I would sooner pumice Cherie Blair’s corns.
G B Hewitt 7.7.2016
Sorry this isn’t in paragraphs. Microsoft needs a good kicking.