On wellbeing.

I was canoodling with the internet this afternoon, desperately trying to find something stupid, when I stumbled on a list called ’10 steps to wellbeing’ as recommended by a group called ESPA. ESPA are desperate for you to be happy. For all of us to be happy. For us float through life on a big fluffy cloud of wellbeingness is more important to ESPA than even their own wellbeingness. Well, maybe of the same importance. Here are their 10 totally free, just trying to be helpful, handy fucking hints.

1. Keep hydrated. Up your H2O it says. Well if you’re going to be rude I won’t bother. Up YOUR H2O! Apparently we all know how good drinking water is for us. Yes, I’ll remember that from now on. I thought everyone just lived happily with blinding headaches and piss the colour and consistency of a 2 day old bowl of Coco Pops. If you’re bored you can always infuse your water with fruit flavours (Ribena) but make sure you avoid alcohol. Oops.
2. Sleep. Aim for 8 hours and be in bed for 10pm. Unless you stay up for Big Brother’s Little Brother or 1 more episode of Thrones/Cards/Dead/Breaking/Homeland etc. Sleep is SO important to your wellbeing and can help you not be a paranoid, hallucinating, delusional bag of nerves. Does ANYONE get 8 solid hours sleep these days?
3. Treat yourself – a little indulgence goes a long way! Ok, a bottle of vodka, 3 lines of coke, sex with a dwarf and a spot of internet shopping should do it. Oh sorry, actually we were thinking of our Back, Face and Scalp treatment. Great, I assume that would be at one of your spa facilities?
4. Alternatively, blatantly and shamelessly, create your own ESPA experience at home. This could involve a cleansing facial mask with a soothing eye lotion to shut out the world (which I don’t think is a very healthy attitude) or applying Pink Hair and Scalp Mud (from £33) of an evening, before bed at 10pm, of course. And where, pray, can I find such products my life has been screaming for? Oh, simply browse our online product catalogue and order now for speedy home delivery. Thanks, I can feel the tension fading already.
5. Exercise. Because look what happened to several of the victims in Seven when they didn’t move about enough. It’s the usual guff ranging from proper exercise to things like taking the stairs, which usually just makes you feel like you should exercise more. Soon we’ll be reduce to suggestions like – try opening doors yourself, don’t ever sit down or just breathe a bit harder.
6. Get outdoors. Yeah, go on, look at it out there. Get some fresh air you lazy twat. At least open a window once in a while. Or the curtains. Better still – take a friend! You could even discover local places you didn’t know existed. Usually because you didn’t want to know they existed. Your friend won’t thank you when you stumble across a dogging site. Or would they?
7. Eat more fruit and veg/get your 5 a day etc etc. It’s beginning to sound like this list is written for people who have been in a coma since 1768 following surgery to remove their common sense. That said I’m more of a 1 or 2 a day person myself. Otherwise I’d have no room for crisps in my tummy.
8. Reduce sugar in your diet. This is unlikely to make me any more wellbeing-ed. Healthier maybe, but wellbeing-ed? No.
9. Reduce salt in your diet. I assume this doesn’t apply to the people who have spent 3 hours a day in the gym sweating out bags of the stuff. Also, what are you going to put dangerous amounts of on your chips from now on? Think it through, ESPA!
10. Finally. Oh for fuck’s sake. Do a good deed. Because doing a good deed makes it all better. Call a friend, take stuff to the charity shop, become a volunteer (steady on now, I’m not that desperate for wellbeingness). ESPA finish this one off by saying that the possibilities of making a positive impact are all around. Which is why I closed their website tab and had a beer.

Well ESPA thanks for that, I’m feeling much better already and I’m off to treat myself to a nice bout of good old fashioned happiness. Sorry, wellbeing, I meant wellbeing, not happiness, wellbeing. Because that’s the grown up word for happiness.

G B Hewitt. 26.8.2016