Honestly officer………….

There’s been a lot about clowns in the news recently. I should point out (as if it were necessary) that I hate clowns. Not because they’re scary but because they’re pointless. Like wasps and The Lighthouse Family, they serve no real purpose and so in the next few paragraphs I intend to prove this AND provide a solution to the problem which has our nation gripped with fear. And that’s for free. For you.
The reason that clowns are so unpopular right now is that a lot of people seem to think it’s funny to dress as a clown, a scary type clown, a killer clown, late at night and hide behind a bush and then scare the knickers off any innocent passer-by that, er, passes by. Of course the clown (and I daresay the entire scary clown community) might find this oh so funny, but most rational people and everyone who isn’t a raving sociopath find it very disturbing.
I’ll come back to this in a moment as I must divert myself to a side point; which is that clowns just aren’t funny. Clowns were only really popular as a form of entertainment back before TV and ‘the wireless’ and music hall and public execution; when other popular forms of entertainment included leprosy, cholera, widespread colonial racism, forced child labour and being disembowelled by Jack the Ripper. Indeed, it should be remembered that the only true social purpose of clowns in yesteryear was to provide a steady income for hateful, depressive alcoholics (I’m wearing the outfit right now). It probably still is. These days no-one really needs this kind of entertainment; if by entertainment you mean wearing big rubbery shoes, falling over lots and briefly fooling people into thinking that you have a bucket of water when in fact you have a bucket of glitter. Stop, I have urinated myself.
The reality is that I never particularly rated clowns, even as an impressionable and significantly less cynical youth, so mustering up any enthusiasm now is simply impossible. If I wanted to see a clown I could just write ‘I am a worthless cunt’ backwards across my forehead and look in the mirror.
Anyway, back to the scary-clowny, jumpy-bushy, frighteney-lifey shenanigans. Like most crap ideas the lunatic, meat cleaver clown ‘fad’ started in the USA and has gradually spread to any country that features morons amongst the general population. Social media does, of course, have everything to blame. This week a twat dressed as a twat dressed a massive twat clown was arrested in London for running round a university campus with a chainsaw, apparently having ‘fun’ with some mates. Said twat, who goes by the name of ‘Kenny’, apologised profusely but I think the damage is already done, and he should have his testicles tied to the tail of a Kangaroo that is on fire. I would pay to see that.
All this rubbish clown footage on the internet is rather alarming and I think it’s time we reversed this tide of non-hilarious fuckery. If a clunt (I’ve stitched ‘clown’ and another word together to form a new word, one that defies ambiguity) with a sharpened steak knife jumps out in front of your car in a quiet country lane you should be quite within you rights to put your foot down and hammer the fucker so hard you’d have trouble identifying him (or her, though it’s interesting that most clowns are men) from their dental records. Similarly, should an errant member of the clunt community challenge you with a pair of garden shears as you’re walking the dog it should be accepted as the ‘done thing’ to set rover on his underpants while you proceed to lop off as many body parts as is necessary to snuggly fill a small, hand luggage style, suitcase.
Life is too full of horrors already without having to worry about an unstoppable prick in make-up and baggy trousers ruining your evening out. And to be honest if we’re going to eliminate the scary, shit style of clown, then can’t we just ban the rest of them too? Even the sad ones! So sad, so very sad.

G B Hewitt. 13.10.2016