You call this work?

I’ve been distracted recently. Things have been busy, my mother-in-law is staying with us and I’ve just embarked on a journalism course which even in its infancy is turning out to be a lot more hard work than I’d bargained for. Even harder work than my mother-in-law staying with us. It’s especially tricky (the course) because I’ve started thinking that writing really isn’t the game for me. So today I’ve woken ‘the mother-in-law’ up and shoved her in the shower and decided to do one of those rubbish news reviews which I haven’t done for ages. Of prime importance is that I avoid Trump and Brexit because they constitute the two most boring, empty news stories you could wish for and I’m tired of hearing about them. Frankly you should be tired too.
1. Father loses court battle over fine avoidance due to taking daughter to Florida during school term. So what? His decision. If you want to take your daughter to Florida during term time just go for it. If you get fined then tough luck. If you can afford to take your daughter to Florida during term time then you have enough money to pay the fine from the big stash of money that you saved by taking your daughter to Florida during term time. Your other choice is again do what you want but then accept that you don’t have as much to grumble about if your daughter misses out on a chance to find a cure for all cancers because she skipped that lesson because she was in Florida with Daddy during the school term. Never mind, you can always pop round the corner and visit her serving pasties in Greggs. And did it really have to go all the way to the Supreme Court? I’ve heard this whole legal malarky is quite pricey.
2. The UN have met to discuss the use of chemical weapons in the Syrian civil war. Ooooh, scary, please don’t get angry Mr UN. I imagine Assad is terrified. The UN meeting to discuss anything is almost entirely without value. If you want to sort out Syria you’d be better off calling a convention of small woodland animals.
3. A woman who went missing with her children has been found. Alive. Oh good. Happy news all round. I hope she’s got a good excuse for disappearing because the 100 strong police force involvement can’t have been cheap and I’m starting to worry about my taxes.
4. Jeremy Corbyn is promising to deliver free school meals, presumably if he wins at the next election. Perhaps he’d be better off promising to still be leader of the Labour Party, if they still exist by the next election. In fact so slim are his current chances of any small victory he could pretty much promise anything he wants. Free gender re-assignment for all. An end to disease. £1000 tax free cash every time you say the word ‘broccoli’. World peace. I’m almost entirely disinterested in politics these days, perhaps it shows.
5. Well not quite disinterested because I was interested enough to see that Theresa May has stepped in over The National Trust renaming their egg hunt. This news (loosely speaking) throws up a whole bucket full of problems. Firstly who cares? I mean who really, really cares? Secondly, everybody knows that The National Trust has gone a bit rubbish lately. Most places charge stupid amounts just to waddle round the gardens for 20 minutes, gardens which The National Trust will soon double up as quad bike tracks and skateboard parks to keep British heritage ‘relevant’ (I have to be careful here because ‘the wife’ and I are both members and my parents work at a National Trust property and usually speak very highly of them. That said we can’t agree on everything). Another issue is ‘The Church’ moaning about the removal of ‘Easter’ from the egg hunt to be replaced by ‘Cadbury’. Yes it could be seen as ‘airbrushing faith’ (what a daft phrase) and semi-blasphemous etc but what ‘The Church’ in all their ignorance has failed to notice is that children hunting for chocolate eggs to stuff in their great fat gobs has almost nothing whatsoever to do with Easter, or ‘The Church’, or religion, or God. Where, pray tell, in the bible does this happen? When Noah finished building the ark did he celebrate by cracking open a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs, perhaps sharing them with a peckish hippo and a self-loathing otter? And when Jesus was speared on the cross none of the disciples bothered to mention he was clutching a half-eaten luxury 70% cocoa egg from Hotel Chocolat. Oh I know the egg is symbolic of new life and completeness and all that but it isn’t quite as symbolic when it’s stacked forty high in the entrance of your local Sainsbury’s from January the 1st. I’m not sure which organisation is more annoying: The National Trust or ‘The Church’, but they really should try to get out more. And wasting Theresa May’s time on the issue when she’s so busy cocking up the country really is rather inconsiderate.
6. Oh, and ‘indyref’. Besides having an appalling name, coined by a cretin, the campaign to secure Scottish Independence is smeared in cynicism and accompanied by a cold gust of smelly Highland wind. I can cope with us leaving the EU but I’d be thoroughly sad if we broke up with Scotland. Sorry, if Scotland broke up with us. The whole thing seems very petty but since I’m petty too I will go on record to say that if Scotland vote for, and get, independence I hope their economy crumples instantly like a packet of crisps under a tank track. I hope that within days their GDP sinks below that of, let’s say, Sierra Leone and that they forever struggle to sleep in a thorny bed of regret and tarnished pride, hubris and bitterness. That said, I like Scotland in general, so I’d rather we all just got along and hopefully that nasty little head girl Nicola Sturgeon will get voted out some time soon.
I don’t know about you but I thought that went rather well. I’d better get back to mother-in law duties. Bless her.
G B Hewitt. 6.4.2016

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