Wasn’t he in Eastenders?

I’ve had some time off lately. It seems that being a paranoid schizophrenic does not always lend itself to a career caring for baby pandas. Whenever I have some time off ‘the wife’ usually finds a few jobs for me to get on with. I’m not moaning because she doesn’t make some daft long list or anything like that, she just repeats the same jobs I’ve been putting off for years in the hope that one day I’ll man up and get them done.

My other jobs tend to include food preparation. This can go either way. My way: simple and quick and invariably bland. Or her way: from a cook book, using a never ending list of ingredients and which, in my hands anyway, usually ends up being bland too. The fact is that at least 50% of cookbook recipes are pretty bland anyway. Do you really think the author cooks and tastes them all themselves? Of course they don’t. They just hire some lice ridden student to take the brunt while they get on with the other facets of their undeservedly diverse careers. Unless they’re Joe Wicks.

Joe Wicks. Joe fuckin’ Wicks. Where did he come from? Oh, what a great life he must lead! When he’s not exercising the shit out of himself he’s eating protein and good carbs and pro-biotic crap and drinking water and in between applying ‘stuff’ to his thick manly hair and picking out clingy Lycra tops for an endless sequence of photo-shoots for his next book called ‘Make a Meal in Under 4 Seconds’ or ‘Learn How to Grin Yourself to Physical Perfection’.

Tonight I’m making Joe Wick’s piri-piri rice with garlic prawns. One of the main ingredients, indeed I would suggest the crucial one, is piri piri seasoning. Can I find this anywhere in the kitchen? Can I bollocks. So I’ve taken a couple of minutes to really get under the skin of Joe Wicks, to see what makes the self styled ‘Body Coach’ properly tick. It took me about 4 seconds (appropriately enough).

Next time you flick through his ‘No 1 Bestseller’ book ‘Lean in 15’ simply turn to page 5 and read until you get to this bit –

“….my neighbours thought I was mad. They often heard me singing or shouting, ‘Bosh, that’s Lean in 15’ and ‘Oooh, midget trees’ (that’s what I call broccoli, by the way!).”

When has anyone been surprised by broccoli unless it’s their lovers ‘safe’ word. Even the average village idiot would snort at that load of guff. There’s loads more shit along those lines and if you need convincing of what an empty vessel Joe Wicks is then just look at the photo on page 4 – Joe himself, in mega-vain mode doing a selfie with a clock and looking unbearably pleased with himself. Not that I mind: I’ve often found that people who become truly obsessed with keep fit and healthy eating have almost nothing else going on in their lives and even less of interest to say. Yes I’ll probably die younger and with almost no recognition, certainly not on the level of little Joe, and I doubt women will be aroused when they look through the cookbook I never write. But to be honest I can live with that.

Never mind, I’ll try to make the best of my piri piri rice without piri piri, some garlic prawns and some other bits which will doubtless change my life forever. Thanks a bunch Joe Wicks, for making me feel so very good about myself and giving me a role model with a six pack and a smile that only a simpleton could conjure up. Happy days.

G B Hewitt. 22.08.2017

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