Don’t be alarmed.

I’ve lost track of time a bit so I can’t give you the specific point when it started, sorry. It’s probably easier to go much further back. On the basis that male life expectancy in Britain is 78 or something like that we can assume the average person is 39 years old (I’m not sure that’s totally sound reasoning but I don’t care). That means that in 1978 someone (and I’d bet good money it’s a man in this case) was born and through a series of totally unconnected events he turned up living somewhere just around the corner from me. During this process he also acquired a car, possibly a new car and almost certainly not an old banger, because no one really steals crap old cars. Maybe travellers do, for scrap metal. I’m not sure.

Anyway this car must be something special because it’s fitted with an alarm. And the only reason I know this is because that fucking alarm keeps on going off. Early morning, late evening, the middle of the fucking night that fucking alarm will go off and keep me very awake. So going back to the start, in 1978 the most stupid prick on earth was born and then 38 years later it would be just my luck that the fuck-nut would move to a house 200 metres from mine.

What’s extra shit about this alarm is that it has some kind of intermittent setting so it blares for 30 seconds, then pauses for 10, then starts all over again. I’m not quite sure what this setting is for. Is it an act of courtesy for the car thief, just to give them a few seconds of peace and quite so they can gather their thoughts and set up an escape route on the satnav? Or perhaps it’s for the owners benefit. A 10 second pillow of silence is just enough time for his wife to tell him he’s a fucking shiftless moron. Or for his neighbour to throw bricks through all his windows.

The other thing that’s stupid about this car alarm is that it keeps going off and yet the owner has very clearly done absolutely fuck all about it. Not next to nothing. Just nothing at all. Surely it can be fixed or disabled. Surely there must be a mechanic or tech bod out there who can do something to make it fucking stop. Does the owner really think that no-one can hear it? Or that they don’t mind? And besides, what car does he have that’s so special that he has to keep his crappy, fucking useless alarm switched on and wake up everyone round the block? Is it The Batmobile? Or The A-Team van?

Of course if the alarm went off during the day I could just stroll around outside for a couple of minutes and find the offender. But it never goes off unless I’m in bed and would like to be sleeping. Which is both inconsiderate and shit. Besides, if I did find out I’d probably not have the balls to say anything anyway. I suppose he may read this and work out it’s him though it’s very, very unlikely either of those things will happen. But at least I could identify the vehicle and smear kitten shit on the door handles. Though that might set the alarm off again. You must be wondering how I cope.

This all leads to a bigger question which is: what is the point of car alarms? When a car alarm goes off who actually gives a fuck? Does anyone think “oh no, someone’s car has been broken into, I’d better go and take a look and if the thief is still there I’ll definitely put my life on the line to protect the vehicle of a complete stranger, someone who probably wouldn’t care if I lived or died because they’re such a materialistic twat”. It’s a long shot.

Car alarms are just a way of telling you that you think too much about your car. Which is another way of saying you’ve got a tiny cock. I sometimes worry that my car might get pinched but it would never occur to me to put an alarm on it. And if I did and that alarm went off more than once in the night I would remove it immediately or commit hara-kiri in the middle of the road, such would be my shame. I now hope that someone does steal that blokes car, and then ideally drives it through his living room, up the stairs and parks it on his empty, useless fucking head. Or at least that a tramp breaks into it and takes a dump on the driver’s seat. And the tramp won’t get in trouble because no-one will bother about the alarm going off.

I’m sorry for all the swearing and attitude but if that alarm had been keeping you awake at unpredictable hours of the night for months then you’d be pretty fucking annoyed as well.

G B Hewitt. 02.09.2017

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