It’s the end of the world as we know it.

Is this really how it’s all going to end? After all that humankind has achieved, admittedly for better and worse, can’t we go out in better fashion? The planet might be cut in half by an enormous asteroid that no-one, not even that British guy that went to the space station recently (really can’t remember his name now!!), could prevent. Or maybe some mutant super bug could emerge from deep within the earth, a super bug we never knew about and so could do nothing do predict or control. A superbug so powerful it would only need to hint in your direction and your lungs would drop out of your arsehole and kidneys shoot out of your nose.

Perhaps there really are aliens out there. Perhaps they’ve zoned in on us not out of contempt but out of jealousy. They’re jealous because we are still capable of love. That we value charity and are able to share out wealth amongst the poor. Or they’re jealous of greedy, rich pricks like Roman Abramovich and Sir Philip Green and just want a bit of the action. Some filthy, filthy, easy lucre. So now they’re coming from galaxies away with their infinitely superior fire power to destroy everything brilliant and humane we’ve ever done. Just because they can.

But hold on, that scenario isn’t entirely implausible and let’s face it, it would be far more scary if the aliens came from within. For instance some piddly-shit, fucked up little mess of lunatics like North Korean Kim and his cronies. What an extreme shame it would be to have got so far, even with all our mistakes and misgivings, only to have it snuffed out by the ambitions of some barking mad, megalomaniac mole with a glug of hair gel and an unflattering beltline.

Don’t get me wrong; it takes two to tango. If by tango I mean destroy almost all life on earth through a few hands of nuclear ‘snap’. Let’s face it, Trump is beyond words. He’s a bloated, ignorant, incoherent gasbag with all the diplomatic charm of a blocked toilet at a dinner party. No-one with a brain could ever have consciously thought he’d be a good choice for American president but this has all been covered, so let’s not get weighed down with repetition. Instead can we all just agree that despite Trump’s countless and voluminous flaws he has, in Kim Jong-un, truly met his match. Maybe he deserves it.

We could just roundly blame North Korea as a whole but that wouldn’t be fair. Most people in North Korea slave their tits off day in day out just to fuel little Kim’s vast ego. They’ll probably never see him, let alone meet him, except on huge billboards or if they’re invited to a special execution event in which they are the main course. Or if the TV channels need a really, really big, unquestioningly compliant, adoring crowd for any number of stupid propaganda occasions. Those that aren’t busting their balls for nothing are drafted into the glorious North Korean army, the 4th biggest in the world and surely the biggest by proportion of the population. It’s a country where at least 1 in every 20 adults is a serving soldier. Which is a probably worse than living in Colchester.

Once you’re past the peasants and the drones and the permanently fearful and the stupid army you’ve really only got the top brass left. And by top brass I mean those lucky few that have slogged away for years and through effort, sheer force of will and by having no shame whatsoever, have attained a place at the table just next to the table where the beloved leader eats on his own and throws shit at them. These deluded dickheads are the grinning idiots who run along behind Jong-un, applauding him every time he starts walking or raises his hands or stops walking for a few seconds because he’s out of his pampered, roly-poly breath.

These are also the ‘top’ scientists who have helped develop North Korea’s maturing nuclear programme, not because that was their ambition in life but because they probably had a hungry tiger poised over their wives and children every step of the way. They’ve been so indoctrinated that they may well believe that they believe in their mighty leader, but to see them all smiling and nodding as they discuss the atom bomb they’re about to test is very chilling. If you didn’t have that knowledge before you saw all these insane photos you’d think they were celebrating one of them finding a used copy of ‘Big Tits Monthly’ in the bushes behind their house. The Nazis looked threatening in black because they didn’t stand there smirking like one of them had just dropped a particularly foul fart. Somehow this new lot looks even more threatening in spite of this.

And these are the guys who might just fuck the world over. They’ll hump the whole planet into oblivion. Not on their own, that’s understood. Lots of people will make lots of very bad decisions before it all leads to ‘International Mushroom Cloud Day’ but surely we could go out with a little bit more dignity than on the whim of a 12 year old in a jumpsuit who’s just been told a knock-knock joke.

G B Hewitt. 05.09.2017

Tim Peak! It finally came to me. I wonder what he’s up to these days. And yes, I’m getting slightly worried.

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