At first I was going to write a very witty post about a day in the life of an American teacher which cleverly incorporated a mass shooting and then went on to dissect the stupidity of American gun laws and the awesome levels of bastardy that consumes every fibre of every member of the National Rifle Association. Then I changed my mind when I had a flashback to this years Valentine’s Day dinner which ‘the wife’ and I spent in a freezing kitchen in Scotland, shovelling a pretty bland M&S meal for £20 into our faces. Then I started to wonder what other days are ‘celebrated’ in February and now I’ve got you up to speed I’ll begin.
1st – Imbolc. A prize for anyone who’s heard of Imbolc. A special prize for anyone from Scotland, Ireland or The Isle of Man who’s heard of Imbolc. A slap in the face with a slaughtered goat for anyone who celebrates it. This is some special Gaelic moment that celebrates the start of Spring (on the 1st of February!!!), or at least it was hundreds of years ago before the television and good music was invented. Like most ‘traditional’ celebrations of nature I expect it involved dancing and heather and vast quantities of coitus between family members.
2nd – Groundhog Day. Setting aside the rather splendid film this is a day that holds almost no interest for anyone except Americans who don’t get out much.
2nd – World Wetlands Day. A day especially created to recognise bits of the land that are wetter than most. Expect the saving of the planet any time soon.
4th – World Cancer Day. A day to kick off your heels, get down and very much boogie to recognise all the wonderful things that cancer has brought to the world. Indulge your mood and your cancer of choice by spending the whole day smiling as you attend a series of global street parades which pause occasionally while everyone checks for lumps.
6th – International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation. I mention this only because it blows my mind that we live in a world so shitty that female genital mutilation even exists. To think how very far we haven’t really come as a species.
12th – Darwin Day. According to Wikipedia this is celebrated globally. Never heard of it. Of course it’s very worthy ’cause old Charlie very kindly invented evolution and simultaneously fired a barrel full of hot gravel right in God’s face. Great beard too.
15th – Singles Awareness Day. This may well be the saddest day ever conceived. Single people no doubt think they’re being clever and post-ironic (is there such a thing?) by following the second saddest day of the year with a celebration of their own loneliness. It’s actually making me depressed just thinking about how empty their lives must be to have to even think about something more meaningless than Valentines Day. Surely there must be something better to do. Like read this.
15th – World Earthworm Day. Who, what, why? Don’t ask. Just don’t ask.
20th – World Day of Social Justice. It’s really quite hard to appreciate just how successful this day is. Since it started in 2009 you can’t help but have noticed the miraculous eradication of poverty, exclusion and unemployment. Speaking for myself I think it’s a great statement on what we can achieve if we all work together and smile at each other. In fact I must remember to send a thank you card to the United Nations General Assembly for coming up with the World Day of Social Justice. Who’d have thought that all the ills of the world could be solved by simply coming up with a ‘day’ to tackle them. And to think I was labouring under the impression that you needed to have an actual solution. Fan dabi dozi.
22nd – World Thinking Day. Not as stupid as it sounds. Well, not quite as stupid as it sounds. This is the special day of the year when Boy Scouts and Girl Guides take a moment to really think about all their brothers and sisters around the world. Quite why they should need a day set aside to do this is not the kind of riddle I have the time or inclination to solve, but I’m sure they have their reasons. I expect the rest of the year is just too jam packed with woggle polishing, fire lighting, assorted acts of sewing and repeatedly rejecting the inappropriate sexual advances of Akela.
28th – Rare Disease Day. And why not? After all why should the big diseases get all the recognition? Just look at them strutting around with their infectiousness and insidious life ending nastiness. Never mind wasting all our energy waving a flag for AIDS or malaria, it’s about time we had a day to reflect on diseases like ablepharon macrostomia syndrome which is characterised by malformations of the skull, skin, fingers and genitals and is so rare it’s extremely rare. Or then there’s epidermodysplasia verruciformis, a disease so unspeakably unfair that I wouldn’t wish it almost anyone. The list of these rare diseases on Wikipedia is horrifyingly long and stands as a testament not only to the flabbergasting efforts of every disease-y scientist that’s ever lived but also makes the human race look very fragile indeed. Never mind driving round Mars in a soft top Tesla, lets spend a bit more cash on trying to cure some bloody awful syndrome that no-one deserves.
And that’s it for February. You can’t say I don’t keep you in the loop.
G B Hewitt. 24.02.2018