I have made it something of a goal to write about Easter every year. You see, of all the holy cows out there Easter is easily the easiest target. It’s just so daft. So on Thursday I started a big juicy post which was meant to translate the Easter story into the fabric of modern society, just to get an idea of how well it might sit with the Big Daddy J, if he ever bothered to come for the second time. Then I got distracted with coach drivers and this morning when I went back to it I suddenly felt very uninspired.
Easter is a joke because it’s meaning and relevance has been so distorted and fractured that all that’s really left is a sequence of little events which almost accidentally forged an entire religion.
- Jesus goes to town on a donkey (that he asked someone else to pinch).
- Jesus goes ape-shit with the money lenders and kicks off in the temple. A bit like Phil Mitchell in the Queen Vic.
- Jesus books a table for a large group for dinner and proceeds to tell the future – something which would have got him ripped apart by Catholics a few hundred years later. Whether they only had the table for 2 hours and had a 12.5% service charge added automatically is not mentioned in any of the gospels.
- Jesus takes a stroll round an ornamental garden at night and is betrayed by someone called Judas (what are the chances?).
- A rooster crows.
- Much chaos and back stabbing and waffle ensues during which various priesty types properly set Jesus up for a right old going over.
- Some chap called Barabbas gets fucking lucky and Jesus end up in a very tight spot indeed.
- Following much embarrassment and having to wear an uncomfortable hat Jesus has to drag the cross to his own execution. Which is like having to hand the bullets to the person you don’t really want to shoot you. So some other bloke called Simon did the last bit for him.
- Jesus dies on the cross and a Roman soldier says something like “surely this man was the son of God” which is a bit like putting 2 and 2 together and getting 407,276 and is also a bit like bolting the stable door after the son of God has been horrifically crucified. For our sins, or so they say.
- A couple of days later Jesus decides he isn’t dead after all and proceeds to catch up with a few mates and generally not let the whole experience lower his mood.
And that’s it. And from that one of the very greatest forces of destruction and tyranny and hypocrisy was born and then here we are today. Doubtless religion has been essential in pushing the species forward but it also included an awful lot of unnecessary shit. On Thursday morning I think I saw Jesus hanging around the lobby of a Tesco Extra counting the endless thousands of chocolate eggs that had been made and stacked to the rafters in his honour. And then yesterday afternoon I ordered some music on Amazon using my phone and I’ve had an email this morning, Easter morning, to some Christians the holiest day of them all, to say it’s out for delivery. That’s how much Easter matters to the real world. On reflection wouldn’t we have just been better off without it?
G B Hewitt. 01.04.2018