I take it all back (on this one).

Sometimes I’m so wrong I want to weep. And so I did.

We woke up very early, too early and separately went to the gym. I was deep into a stupid stair climb when ‘the wife’ walked past and gave me that lovely little smile she does when she feels a bit too awkward to give me her award winning, three time smile of the year in a row, smile. She went off to the pool and I went home and then she came back too and we swished down to the shops to get some grub for the day. I was safe in the knowledge that we had a fridge full of grog already. And then she dried her hair while I trimmed the lawn and as that happened one of us turned the TV on and there it was. For all my grump I was always ready to watch the wedding. And so we did.

And if I could take back the nasty things I’ve written about this wedding I would. But I felt them at the time so that seems wrong somehow. I felt an unusual sense of pride when I saw Harry and his brother stroll down the road from what is essentially their home, all in black and in retrospect looking pretty damn good. Harry is starting to show signs of male pattern baldness, which I imagine might just silence the doubters, and that includes me. It’s good to see brothers getting each others backs. Reassuring. Nice. Natural.

Then they were in and the awful commentary continued, with cars and flowers and people; some you knew and some you didn’t: The Beckhams and Tom bloody Hardy and that bloke from Mumford and Sons and his Mulligan wife. Well, if they’re friends then they’re friends, but I reckon ours are way cooler. There was the mother of the bride who looked about to burst into tears and then there was Harry who, just for a royal minute, looked like he was thinking he’d made a really bad decision. But he hadn’t, he was just very, very nervous. And, because this is the only royal wedding I’d ever seen since having to get married myself I could totally understand. Once you give yourself to someone entirely you can’t look back. You just have to go for it. He must have had some mixed feelings about his Mum and Dad, right there at that moment. But he didn’t crack. Because he’s quite a cool person.

You have no idea how long it’s taken for me to admit that.

And then I poured some pink fizz and we sat together and watched the best royal wedding we’re likely to get in our lifetime. It was much more intimate and organic (relatively speaking) than the others we’ve had to endure. So, when Meghan walked down the aisle and the cameras gave Harry a glance I started to cry a bit or to put it more accurately “wept like a big baby”. And I don’t mind admitting it either. It just reminded me of how I felt on my wedding day and how you know that you’re doing the best thing you’re probably ever likely to do. I might have a bestselling novel tomorrow (ha ha) or just win the lottery but it won’t ever beat that day me and ‘the wife’ got it tied down.

The rest was fun too. Dreary readings, an insane gospel, bible bashing, almighty motherfucker going on far to long and a kiss that I really wanted to see but didn’t happen until they left the church. The commentary simply didn’t register and it all became a celebration of two people getting married. I didn’t even mind the fact that Elton John (I told you) was wearing daft glasses.

And since then we’ve been outside, sipping on stuff. The washing has dried and the chicken wings tasted good and when I post this I’ll have a cigarette and I don’t really care if you like this post or not. It has taken me as much time to write it as it has taken me to write it. The Guardian can fuck right off because on a day like today I’m very glad we still have a monarchy. I’m glad I can call Britain my home and if and when the end of the world comes (provided I’m still alive) I’ll stand up for this country and The Queen and all the other bollocks because it could all be a very lot worse.

That said, it wasn’t as good as the day I married ‘the wife’. But don’t worry Harry and Meghan, bless your satin socks, I can tell you from experience that you simply can’t have everything.

G B Hewitt. 19.05.2018

All spelling mistakes and grammatical or punctuation errors are intentional.

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