50 Shades of Grayling.

It is little wonder that we are sinking into ever deeper levels of shit when we have people like Chris Grayling in a position of political power. Some politicians are plain awful: think Corbyn, Johnson, Gove – pompous, ineffective, barely good enough to call wankers on their best day. Some are clearly well past their glory years, if they had any glory years to start with: I’m thinking of Diane Abbott and I’m also wondering if anybody still gives a fuck what Dennis Skinner thinks. Others are exceedingly creepy: Rees-Mogg, and some are just plain useless, and that’s where Chris Grayling gets his time to shine. Is he really the very best person to have running some quite important parts of this country? Surely not. I’m beginning to wonder whether Worzel Gummidge or even George from Rainbow could do better. Yes, I’m pretty certain they could.

If you’re not sure just what a spectacular waste of oxygen and evolution Chris Grayling is there please allow me to offer you some hastily researched evidence.

1. He looks, frankly, like a bit of a simpleton; though a degree in History from Cambridge should tell us otherwise. He looks like the sort of head scratcher you might use to lift heavy things in your garden, and then reward with a mouse to play with. He was once referred to as a Conservative “attack dog” for his ability to put pressure on Labour MP’s over all kinds of issues. Let us not forget that the attack dog is not always considered the most intelligent of creatures and when it comes to ruffling moral feathers it turned out during the expenses scandal that Grayling was in fact a bit of a “hypocritical twat attack dog”. Fancy that.
2. He did indeed put in some very dubious expenses claims for his property in Pimlico. Not his main dwelling but a second (at least) property. In Pimlico, central London. Someone really should set up a charity to help people struggling with their second property in Pimlico. Again, that’s Pimlico in central London. One of the most expensive places on earth to have a property. Listen carefully. There’s more.
3. I’m not going to go into to much detail but Grayling seems to have flitted from one post to the next; one bumbling clusterfuck to another. Almost every ministerial job has been badly done in some mind-blowingly thick way, and the only reason he’s still got something to do is because he backed Theresa May as leader. I suppose Grayling has also reaped the benefits of working with a group of people that are almost all equally useless. But he has seemed to sink to the bottom more often than most. He is not so much a jack of all trades and master of none as a jack of fuck all and master of even less.
4. The train timetable massacre of last year is just one example of Chris Grayling’s uncanny ability to snatch disaster from the jaws of failure. Had he used just one single brain cell and half a testicle he would have had much more of a grip of what was going on and could have averted the misery of hundreds of thousands of commuters over several fraught weeks. The whole shit-fest led to a vote of confidence in Parliament which Grayling won 305 – 285. Not the kind of margin you could describe as emphatic.
5. It was Grayling who dropped the ball again at Christmas because he had utterly failed to react to any warnings about drones at airports. Part of this is because, as with many ministers, he has no fucking idea about how to run the transport infrastructure of this country (he has a background in television and being incalculably stupid) and therefore just slaps his own feeble idea on the table and listens to not one word of sense. If he had been working under Henry VIII he would have been beheaded for this one.
6. Fortunately he was able to dilute that bucket of piss by agreeing to throw vast amount of cash (£13.8 million) securing a contract with a ferry service that didn’t have any boats and had never run a ferry service. The idea was that they would step in to fill the gaps in the event of, you guessed it, a no-deal Brexit. Sadly the whole thing collapsed because of the reason I stated the sentence before last. It’s like offering money in advance to a one armed swimming instructor to perform brain surgery on your mother. Beyond idiocy.
7. It was announced yesterday that Grayling’s attempts to ‘reform’ the parole service when he was Minister for Justice have ended up costing nearly half a billion quid – of our money. This was the man who wanted to ban books in prison. This was the man who wanted to turn the parole service into some kind of reward based toss-hole like some oily fucker with a double glazing telesales target. Rolf Harris would have made a better Minister for Justice.

He is known to many as ‘Failing Grayling’, which some have labelled cruel and disproportionate. They’re right about the disproportionate bit because you can’t be failing if you are already a total failure. Chris Grayling is about as useless as any man in history can claim to be and although this post is a little rushed I hope it reflects my general disappointment in the kind of people we vote in as our leaders. Someone must have voted for the fucker and I think that’s a very grave problem. Hopefully when the backstreet abortion that is Brexit is all over he’ll get hung out to dry and he can go back to his hole in the ground. In fact, why not just do it now?

G B Hewitt. 02.03.2019