So, another election. Another vote. Six weeks of comment and analysis and discourse and predictions and arguments and information and misinformation and lies and testicles. Lots of testicles, sorry, bollocks. If you gathered together every pair of bollocks that came out of the back door of every slaughterhouse in the world (destined for a hot dog factory, I dare say) for a whole year you’d probably have enough to fill the Houses of Parliament but even that will be nothing to the sheer volume, beyond our feeble measuring scales, of bollocks that will be produced in the run up to December the 12th. If I had a gun now would be the time to use it.
The dilemma I have is this: whether to vote at all and who to vote for. I expect you may have the same problem. As to whether to vote at all well I realise that now more than ever this country needs rational, open minded people just like me to save it from a fate it once thought unimaginable, which is the complete meltdown of our entire political system. I appreciate this country needs me, but on the other hand I’m not sure I can be arsed this time; after all I voted to stay in the EU and look where that got us. And besides there seems to be a logistical nightmare ahead whereby all the usual polling centres will be unavailable and so people will have to vote in a crack den or at a dodgy sauna club or, even worse, a Jehovah’s Witness meeting hall.
December the 12th, let me check my diary, what else have I got on that day? Oh yes, first of all I’m working, working to keep our once great economy propped up, in a round about way. Now I usually leave the house just after 6am so I doubt I’ll have time to pop to my local funeral directors storage fridge to mark my card so I guess it’ll have to be some time after 5pm, when I get home. It’ll be dark. It’ll be cold. Those two are a given but it might also be raining, snowing or blowing a gale. That’s why we don’t have elections in winter, just so you know. If the central heating has kicked in and it’s a day that I can allow myself a couple of glasses of wine (hold on, let me check…….yes, yes it will be) then if I get through the front door it’s very unlikely my vote will count because it won’t be there to be counted. And even if it were I expect Wifey’s vote will be in too and she’ll be all awkward and vote the opposite of me so we’ll just cancel each other out and I’ll blame her if it all goes wrong.
So you can see I’m in two minds, can’t you? Now the much bigger question of who. Who can I possibly back, bearing in mind I don’t like tactical voting and I rarely vote based on my local MP and the state of our potholes; I just vote for the person I most what to lead this country. Well I can’t vote Corbyn, because he’s an unwashed cum sock in a polycotton shirt and I’m afraid I could never vote for anyone who wears a polycotton shirt. Besides, the thought of Tom Watson and Dianne Abbott having any tangible power just upsets me. Equally I’m not going to vote for UKIP or the English Defence League or The Brexit Party because they’re all cunts and if we ever find the rock they deserve to be hidden under that rock will be made of broken glass, anthrax and dog shit. I could vote for The Green Party but I’ll have to do a bit more research because I wonder if they realise that actually running a country is slightly harder than running an eco-friendly hedgehog sanctuary just of the A1, near St Neots.
That leaves me two other options and I suppose these would always be the last on the page. I can go with years of tradition and playing it safe and just vote Conservative again but, whether I like it or not, that would send out the message that I want Boris Johnson as Prime Minister and I don’t. I don’t want Boris to lead this country because he’s a wank avalanche that can’t even be bothered to be waiting to happen; he’s already happened and it looks pretty bad out there. So I’ll have to monitor Boris closely over the next 6 weeks to see if he can sway me. I hope he’s reading this; Boris – I’m giving you the opportunity to justify your existence. Alternatively I can go all Liberal Democrat but that will be a toughie because the Liberal Democrats have all the fibre of a cheap doughnut and I do worry that in the aftermath of Brexit they’ll look about as in control as a one legged, arthritic pensioner taking three particularly excitable Great Danes out for a walk on a windy day.
The conclusion is, therefore, very inconclusive. I don’t know if a general election is the right thing to be having right now. Johnson and Corbyn both think it is so it almost certainly is not, but it’s too late it argue or worry, we never had a say anyway. What is certain is that this election is going to be important. It will usher in another fresh wave of diabolical arseholes to thoroughly fuck up all the fuck ups that the last diabolical arseholes fucked up in the first place. It will be a new, shades of diarrhoea dawn and what comes after it will make us all weep anew (unless there’s a very secretive decent politician out there that nobody has noticed yet). Everybody keeps saying what a mess it is but we should worry less about that and more about the mess that will come at the end. The political nappy is about to explode, and there will be shit everywhere.
G B Hewitt. 30.10.2019