The joy of Janus.

January is my 12th favourite month. If there were 43 months in a year then January would be my 58th favourite. That perverse group of optimists and life coaches who say January should be a celebration of renewal and rejuvenation and revitalisation are chock full of shit and are probably already back on the crystal meth by now anyway. But (just as cretins wrongly think it is good that all children should always win at everything) some seem to find it hard not to have loads to celebrate, even in this darkest of months. Here are a few special days in January you may not know about. Especially if you’re not American and have a life.
1st. National Hangover Day. Not so much a celebration as a commiseration. There is very little to enjoy about a hangover except, perhaps, if you are just starting work on the next one in which case there is a small window of ill-judged joy available; a joy that never lasts long, trust me. With or without a hangover New Year’s Day is comfortably the most depressing of the year, if you don’t count Valentine’s Day.
2nd. National Personal Trainer Awareness Day. This is confusing. Does it mean that on this day personal trainers should be especially aware of themselves or does it mean that one should be particularly conscious of your personal trainer. Given you will have paid £50 for an hour of their time (they have nothing better to do) their body (which yours will never emulate) and their brain (moot) you would be a first class clown if you decided that that would be the best time to suddenly become unaware of them.
3rd. National Fruitcake Toss Day. I can’t stand fruit cake and so this may be a rare occasion whereby a food product could be improved by someone tossing over it (my interpretation, sorry – the benefits of an all boy, private education). That does not necessarily mean I wish to test such a theory, though I’d happily let Mary Berry chew it over.
4th. National Trivia Day. Did you know that National Trivia Day was thought up by someone called Colin or Clive, who at the age of 47 still lives with his mother and dresses in army surplus gear? He also has more time on his hands than Peter Sutcliffe. Little fact for you. Handy in a pub quiz.
6th. National Cuddle Up Day. Possibly invented by someone who is still in the rose tinted early stages of the only relationship they’ll ever have, quite likely with a sex doll. Cuddling up is all very well and can be perfectly pleasurable for the first few minutes, until one of you has to get up for a wee or to boil the kettle or because an arm is numb. Instead all those cuddling up minutes should be saved for a nuclear fallout winter and that way your skeletal remains, locked together in eternal affection, can be discovered millennia later by visitors from another planet.
8th. National Winter Skin Relief Day. On this day it is traditional to select a random body nearby to slather in E45 Cream. Bear in mind that this tradition is now frowned upon in modern society, with the exception of in prison where it takes on an altogether different direction and emphasis.
9th. National Law Enforcement Appreciation Day. A day celebrated by everyone except criminals and anyone who is still waiting for the police to arrive to explain why a burglar has taken a dump in your fish tank.
10th. Save The Eagles Day. I didn’t realise they needed saving, though obviously this is a bit late for Glenn Frey because he died a few years ago. I suppose they did ‘Hotel California’, were monstrously egotistical and took loads of drugs. Where do I send my money?
14th. National Dress Up Your Pet Day. There is a special hole in the ground somewhere for people who dress up their pets. The act in itself is quite worrying and not a little undignified for the animal involved. If I ran the world I would pass a law that automatically placed any pet dressers on the RSPCA mailing list and the sex offenders register. That’ll learn ‘em.
16th. National Nothing Day. A day in which to celebrate the contents of Kerry Katona’s skull, as well as everything that Donald Trump has been able to offer humanity.
18th. National Use Your Gift Card Day. Great idea unless your £25 M&S card ran out yesterday. It is however worth celebrating any gift cards that don’t have an expiry date and therefore makes any company that does a sack of mean spirited, unforgivable pricks.
21st. National Squirrel Day. What isn’t there to like about squirrels? An animal with perhaps the best pause in nature; a pause of undiluted intensity and total awareness – one where the squirrel in question is at once totally connected to everything within and around it; poised and ready for all eventualities. Or they’re just thick rodents and have forgotten where they are. Still cute though.
25th. National Opposite Day. Possibly the best idea ever. I reckon the person who came up with this concept is really clever and should on no account be showered with molten Lego and undiluted pesticide.
28th. Data Privacy Day. If anything the biggest joke of all. Let’s remember that in the UK the government enforced strict laws and everyone became cloaked in a jagged fog of GDPR sincerity, and then the silly fuckers released the addresses of everyone on the New Year’s honour list. The great irony is that technically they will have to levy a very substantial fine on themselves that will then go back into their own coffers. Twats.
28th. National Have Fun At Work. We could be here all day with this one.
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31st. National Hot Chocolate Day. This must be a new trend (as seen on the 10th) only in this case we remember the singular sexual magnetism of Errol Brown and his funky, knicker dampening disco-soul combo. Surely very few 70’s cocktail parties would have been the same without copious amounts of fingering to the sound of ‘You Sexy Thing’. I realise this isn’t really about Hot Chocolate the band, but in a moment of genuine sincerity and admiration I would like to nominate the guitar work on ‘Every 1’s A Winner’ as amongst the filthiest and hypnotic ever played. It’s not all moans and groans you know.
There. January. My pleasure.
G B Hewitt. 10.01.2019