At your service, as ever.

Here’s a simple guide to just a few of the things you need to know about some coronavirus something or other that I overheard someone or other talking about somewhere or other. I’m surprised it’s not been on the news if it’s that bad.

Protect others. Some people are self-isolating and when you’re self-isolating it is important that you do not threaten anyone else with your disgusting disease, you filthy virus pig. It’s bad enough for the people who live with you but that can be solved by buying and erecting a summer house in your garden (if you don’t have a garden then skip this bit) and living in there like some pariah hermit, but better to think about the outside world and all those people who don’t know who you are and don’t care whether you live or die. To help them it is best to slaughter a giant fruit bat in a ritualistic ceremony and then daub the words ‘THIS HOUSE IS INFECTED AND FILLED WITH RANCID SCUMBAGS’ using the blood. If anyone comes near the door to deliver something, discuss God or tout double glazing or simply to take a gas reading then scream through the letter box while the rest of the family make moaning noises. Should you have to venture out for food, a newspaper or to get a haircut then on no account touch, lick, bite or fuck anyone by mistake. By following these simple rules you will be performing your moral duty as a citizen and at some point later on, possibly in heaven, you might be rewarded.

Get down the pub (you have a few hours left). Other rules are less rigid and breaking them is not so much forbidden as simply frowned upon. If the Prime Minister says you should avoid pubs then he doesn’t really mean it, after all he only said it live on national TV to an audience of many millions and it was repeated hundreds of times over the next few days. If you want to go to the pub you bloody well go, and have a bloody good time too. Live it up while you still can, especially you youngsters – after all you’re just proving the older generations point that youngsters think they know it all, whereas in fact they know fuck all. If you do pop down the local at least remember that it’s best to wear gloves at all times and not to touch, lick, bite or fuck anyone while you’re there.

Shop ‘til you drop. Of course only the most draconian governments would restrict you from buying food but you have to remember that just because you need food it doesn’t necessarily mean there will be any out there for you. It’s survival of the fittest and you must join the race. Don’t think anything of snatching a bag of potatoes from a fragile old lady’s creased, brittle hands and at desperate times it doesn’t really matter that you don’t have female genitalia – if you want to stock pile tampons then you go right on ahead. You’ll also surprise yourself with the kinds of things you’ll buy; stuff you absolutely hate and items that you have never, ever even thought about, let alone thought about buying. Some prick out there will have a cupboard filled with jars of water chestnuts they wrenched from the lap of someone in a wheelchair, even though they’re massively allergic to them. In times like this it’s remarkably easy to go from tosser to imbecilic cunt. If you’re queueing up and moaning because you have 8 kids then unfortunately that’s your problem and you should have thought about that before you had 8 kids because, well…..who fucking needs 8 kids??

Keep active. At times like this it’s important to keep fit both mentally and physically. Of course, maintaining a healthy level of mental wellbeing is a piece of cake because it’s not as if we’re all shitting ourselves with fear and being made to think the end of the world is next Wednesday. As for physical activity, well there are literally some options. You can still go to the gym (until tomorrow, news happens fast these days) where there is only a 99.8% chance that the coronavirus will be swimming around in a soup of sweat and hair and bad breath. Or you could go for a walk with a partner or friend: simply both carry metre rulers and then you can wallow in one another’s company while keeping the safe distance apart as advised by the Department Of Making Things Up As You Go Along. Alternatively, if there has been a total Orwellian, extreme lockdown you could venture out to see if you can run faster than the bullets that are flying towards your back marginally faster than the speed of sound. If getting out isn’t your thing then you can perform simple exercises like opening another bottle of vodka, going upstairs to count how many toilet rolls you have left, farting, or simply some good old domestic abuse. When we all emerge, blinking in the light, sometime in 2024 we’ll either be fatter, thinner or dead.

Engage with social media. What better time to engage in the most creepy, destructive form of social ‘interaction’ since John Wayne Gacy last dressed as a clown? That’s right, why don’t you perform a dance routine that people can copy to cheer themselves up? Why don’t you dream up a simple song that you can sing while you’re wiping your arse to remind yourself not to throw the paper up against the neighbours wall? Why not post footage of you and your chums enjoying a crisp glass of Chablis or perhaps a cheeky bottle of industrial strength cider? Why not make some hilarious video of you being hilarious or a few minutes of your delightful children playing with the dog in the back garden? Why not? Why not? Why not suit this species better than getting on the phone and speaking to someone or just keep your empty lives to yourselves because I can guarantee that for every twat that finds light in these frivolous distractions many, many more will roll their eyes at your default narcissism. I don’t count, by the way, because hardly anyone will read this; but here’s hoping that coronavirus might just be the gateway to my own global dominance. Surely that would be something to celebrate.

G B Hewitt. 20.03.2020.