I should have said it out loud weeks ago, when it first crossed my mind. I honestly did wonder to myself if Matt Hancock was ever going to be caught out and so it has come to pass. Not that I knew he was having an affair (other than with himself: a sordid, gripping fling of top level narcissism which has been played out before us in sticky, sickly slow motion for the last 16 months) but it just seemed to me that if any prominent member of the cabinet was going to have an affair he would be the one. Why? Well, Boris has already had his allotted number of affairs, there is only one member of the female population (globally and intergalactically, from all animal species) that would want to copulate with Michael Gove and she’s married to him, and I strongly suspect that anyone fool enough to have a fling with Priti Patel would get eaten immediately after the sex had finished. And I don’t mean eaten in a good way. I mean eaten. Literally.
There are a few other potentials but Hancock always came across as a prime contender. It is of no surprise that he is ‘happily’ married with three children (as opposed to happily married to three children: something that he could get away with in various parts of the world and Utah, but would be frowned upon in most circles over here) because that is merely a standard requirement of any politician caught with their pants down. And despite the fact that many voters think he is doing a pretty shit job at best he must have his admirers, and he must give off some odd kind of sexual aura as he strolls around hospital wards and prepares the next lie to filter through his front teeth. It doesn’t help much that the woman he is feeling horny with at the moment, Gina Coladangelo, is also married and also has three children – so that makes six fucked up kids, two adults with their family dreams shattered and two happy little rabbits, Matt and Gina, who’ll be considering sending out invites to their first barbeque before you know it.
Boris is right behind Matt Hancock. Probably with a big old knife in his hand. Critics (aren’t they all critics these days?) have said that in supporting his Health Secretary Boris is showing signs of weak leadership, but recently Boris doesn’t simply show signs of weak leadership, he is weak leadership. He’s more likely backing Hancock so he can fling him to the wolves to aid his own escape a bit later on. There is also a fairly strong chance that on some level Boris is secretly glowing with admiration for his little friend, for being a bounder and a rascal and for getting stuck into the ladies and throwing his todger around like a giddy tup. Attaboy! We mustn’t forget that hanging over all this like a particularly ignoble vulture is Dominic Cummings, who clearly despises Matt Hancock to a very scary degree indeed and was almost certainly behind the leaked photos of Matt romantically grabbing Gina’s arse while he probed her fillings with his forked tongue. Only in a world where Cummings exists can Matt Hancock seem like a better bet.
According to my Saturday paper (I flit, ever confused, between The Daily Mail and The Morning Star) half of Britain thinks Hancock should quit. Some of them possibly think it would be the honourable thing to resign, but it’s rather a touch too late to be worrying about virtues such as honour. Furthermore, the public think that having an affair is never a very good sign in politics because politicians are supposed to be dependable, but it’s also rather a touch too late to be worrying about virtues like dependability. Most amusing is the suggestion that Hancock should go because he has broken the social distancing rules that underpin everything that is good and right about this great nation, but let’s be honest and agree that social distancing is an absolute fucking joke on the best of days so why get bogged down with large scale, petty hypocrisy? Hancock shouldn’t be Health Secretary, but then he never should have been given the job in the first place: in terms of fit for purpose it’s like making Prince Andrew Head of PE in a convent school. I’m no fan, but I’d rather Hancock stayed and finished the job he started because then it will be his mess and no-one else’s. Besides, it won’t take long for it to fall apart- he’ll be too busy being taken to the cleaners by his wife, being hated by his children and desperately persuading Gina that another 69 in his office will do wonders for his blood pressure. Crisis. What crisis? Attaboy indeed.
G B Hewitt. 26.06.2021