Going out on a roll.

A quick one, can’t stay too long. Mistakes likely. I like toilet roll as much as the next person but these days some people seem to really, really like the stuff. Watching daft Australians nearly punch each other over a 12 pack of Andrex is beyond sad. It’s sad and it’s pathetic and it’s deeply […]

I should be fine. I think.

This is dedicated to the driver of the fat Audi who pulled out in front of me this morning and then spent the rest of the journey driving like they were having a stroke. The fact they had chosen to decorate their rear bumper with an image of a baby in a hoodie, wearing sunglasses […]

Sweet relief.

I doubt I’m the only one in the world but I have definitely mastered the art of eating Starbursts while driving. I’m not saying you should copy me or even that it is advisable, but if you did ever wonder then I’m here to tell you it can be done. And they say men can’t […]

With a tint of rose.

There’s something about dwelling on mortality that reminds me of childhood. I think about mortality a fair bit. There are fewer things more tragic than an unhappy childhood; a wasted one is regrettable but a miserable one is far, far worse. Let us all be thankful then, because I had a great childhood. I miss […]

On Exile On Main Street.

I’ve given myself 67 minutes and 16 seconds to write this. Because that, it would appear, is the length of perfection. Recipe for perfection: Take a large and decadent villa in the south of France and place on the hob. Fill to half way with atmosphere, ambience, damp and testosterone and then bring to the […]

It’s not the help Quaden needs.

UPDATED DUE TO NAME ERRORS CAUSED BY AUTHOR STUPIDITY. I was sent a link to a video on Twitter this morning (cheers, btw!). It’s one of those clever little videos that have gone all ‘viral’, which is a word that is used when something shit on the internet gets watched by a lot of people […]

Looks like Brit. Sounds like Brit. Smells like Brit.

You’d think that by now I’d have got bored of writing about The Brit Awards. They make an annual appearance on this site now, and I suppose that every year that they keep coming back and still offer absolutely nothing to culture then I’ll always want to say something else about them. I should admit […]

The Sam Smith Effect.

He’s back. My nemesis. As if ‘The Graham Norton Show’ wasn’t already in a steep decline they had to go one worse and bring out Sam Smith again, to give us his version of what being eternally conflicted must sound like. I don’t have any problem with Norton himself, though his weekly starter of a […]

Classic Steve Walsh. What’s he like?!

Yes, I know it’s not his fault. Yes, I know I should be looking at the bigger picture. Yes, I realise terms like ‘super spreader’ are crap and flamed by a ravenous, misguided media. But don’t panic, I’m just being a silly billy. Bloody Steve Walsh. He must be delighted to have his face splashed […]

Storm warning.

There’s a storm coming. I’m not trying to be dramatic, there really is. I don’t know about your bit of the country but in mine, weather wise, a mouse fart would be news right now. So this counts as the calm before the storm. Literally. At the moment we have high pressure outside my window. […]