On fake national treasures.

Very few people can seem to mean so much to so many for so little reason than the Geordie flutter monkey Cheryl Cole. It might be me, I may have missed something, so please could someone tell me how she became something that rather alarmingly resembles a national treasure. I should be fair and acknowledge […]

We need someone up front.

Welcome to two thousand and twenty. 2020. Twenny twenny. We’ve come a long way since God got Mary up the duff but I sense we’ve reached the apex (not sure when, probably the summer of 1976) and now we’re sliding down the other side like those fat Boy Scouts on Jimmy’s rollercoaster. Where once there […]

Is this the best we can get?

As another year looms and everyone gets their hopes up it is worth remembering that we have had many things to be ungrateful for in 2019. I’m sure lots of you thought this year would be filled with joy but once again the human race has let itself down, and when it does this (which […]

On Christmas Day, in the morning.

Having swerved the usual glass of bucks fizz I find I am a little more focused this morning than I normally would be, and so here’s some festive thoughts. You’re welcome. Later on we’ll be hearing all about how 2019 has been for The Queen and her thoroughly redundant family. She’s taken understatement to a […]

Peace on earth?

I know it’s Christmas but it doesn’t really feel like it. When’s the second coming? That’s what I want to know. Yes, the lights are on and the carols are being sung and the shelves are heaving, the trollies colliding and the car parks bursting with pent up aggression but that wasn’t what Jesus was […]

Jingle, jingle; musical tinsel and jizz.

Imagine dying to the sound of a Christmas song. Imagine the sense of anti-climax and of waste, the feeling that despite all your sins and flaws you still felt you deserved better. Slipping away to the sound of Roy Wood or Shakin’ Stevens or Paul McCartney hiccupping their way through their very own festive nice-little-earner. […]

Letting off steam.

I’ve been toying with this all week but my will to live has been flagging and so the energy just hasn’t been there. I’ll keep it short. Or my version of short. If you want to visit an active volcano then good for you. Wifey and I went to Sicily a few years ago and […]

A dull Matt finish.

The news, should it be your kind of news, or any kind of news, that Matt Baker is to leave The One Show next year has no doubt mildly brushed the lives of anyone with nothing better to do at 7.00pm on a weekday. I watched his predictably tearful announcement (not while watching ‘The One […]

A stomach Turner.

Heard of Yomi Ṣode? No, me neither, well at least not until yesterday when he popped up on a Radio 4 programme as I drove home through the cold and the spray of a crow black late afternoon, startled by headlights and looking forward to nothing more ambitious than a warm house and grateful cat, […]

The Last Funny Australian.

Until yesterday I could have safely counted the number of funny Australians on the thumb of one hand. Now there are none. Funny is not what Australians do. They’re too rugged and practical and when they do try funny it just comes out clunky and awkward, and when that doesn’t work they just get uptight […]