True story?

And lo, that morning Joseph did rejoice the birth of someone else’s child by treating himself to a large gin and tonic just before 11 whilst Mary, so filled with happiness at popping out the saviour of the world, was already on her third bucks fizz and making her way through the twiglets. Blessed be […]

Tra, la, la……..

I think I’ve got writers block. This is essentially constipation for the illiterate, because anyone can write. That ’50 Shades’ woman can write. Hey, not only can she write but she can earn millions of pounds from it, and make many previously prudish women look smug and aroused on a train at the same time. […]

A change is as good as a rest.

Yesterday was my last day of work for 3 weeks. In case you ever wondered what I do for a living I empty and service the sanitary towel bin at a soup kitchen in King’s Lynn. It’s surprisingly taxing and more than a little stressful, so I’ve decided I needed a nice break to get […]

The art of awareness.

A lot of things these days have ‘ness’ added to them. Clamping a big meaningful ‘ness’ to the end of words gives them gravitas and depth and means that those who possess traits ending in ‘ness’ are automatically better people. Better than you and much better than me. You can’t just be thoughtful anymore, you […]

Gym won’t fix it.

This has come from a combination of my love/hate relationship with the gym and thinking the title ‘Gym’ll Fix It’ was funny. Of course we all know that using the title ‘Gym’ll Fix It’ is deeply inappropriate because it refers to Jimmy Saville, who, as you may recall was an unforgivable, talentless, slimy shit who […]

Why flight is shight.

Written before, during and after a lovely holiday in Portugal this summer. Full of swearing and bile and bitterness. Best not read it if you don’t like swearing and bile and bitterness. Also not in parts, just one big unstoppable diatribe. I am just about to send a text to my good friend Colin. I […]

I swear to God.

I got a text the other day from one of my finest friends, my best man at my first wedding so far, no less. I feel it’s only fair to protect his identity (not for his sake but for that of his wife and children who are all very amazing, almost teasingly great, human beings) so […]

Ice Bucket Challenged. Part 3.

And it looks like this. As you may have worked out it’s not so much the charitable part, though charity does underpin it entirely, but the sheer waste of resources and effort involved. God knows how many millions of gallons of water were used up last year globally on this clueless wave of moronic bandwagon […]

Ice Bucket Challenged. Part 2.

……..and breathe out. 3. At this point time will stand still as one gets a chance to consider the container around which the success of the whole challenge orbits. There is no such thing as a truly successful delivery, and no, I’m not going to prove it by doing one, it’s already pretty clear I […]

Ice Bucket Challenged. Part 1.

(If this seems a very belated basket of observations it’s not because I have just been roused from a coma. I wrote this in March or something and there’s really not a lot of point it sitting on my computer wasting vowels and consonants. It’s quite long, which is why its split into parts. And bits of it […]