Transgendrification.

Urgh! I’ve spent so much time and energy prattling on about my questionable taste in music that I’ve forgotten what this place was supposed to be all about. To turn the tide back I want to talk about the magical world of Transgenderism (Is that a word yet, is it in the Oxford Dictionary yet? Because it bloody well should be!). I should state openly and honestly, from the outset, I have no prejudice against anyone who feels they are the wrong gender and want to change. Fine by me. To draw comparison I mistakenly bought some smooth orange juice the other day. When I got home I was outraged and sent an angry letter to The Consumer Association, Which Magazine, my local MP and of course Shami Chakrabarti. It was only later, to my shame, that I realised that I could simply return the bottle, unopened of course, and exchange it for orange juice with bits in. So you see, we all want to change something once in a while and I have no idea what I’m talking about.

The Transgenders are in the news an awful lot these days and why shouldn’t they be. I think the time has come to have at least 20% of all news dedicated entirely to the Transgender community, because I would hate for them to feel left out. Just this morning an article caught my eye all about Bruce Springsteen cancelling a concert in North Carolina because he didn’t agree with the venue’s policy on Transgender assimilation and general anti-gayness. That’s why they call him ‘The Boss’. Reading on I discovered that he was upset that the policy was setting things back instead of looking forward. I should mention again that we’re talking about North Carolina here, hardly a big surprise from an area of the world where many folk would probably rather commit incest than shake hands with a homosexual (I don’t have the exact figures to hand on that one).

One of North Carolina’s policies is that people can only use the public toilet gender that matches their gender as stated on their birth certificate. I suppose I can see some sense in that; if I wanted to ogle women in a public toilet I could always dress as a very unconvincing lady and that would be taking advantage, as well as being very creepy (the lady in the mauve dress told me so). However the main issue I can see is who on earth is going to be able to check who goes into which toilet? Firstly you would have to carry your birth certificate with you at all times and that’s just stupid. Then you would have to show it to a ‘professional genital confirmation agent’ who could then quite legitimately ask you to drop your pants or lift your skirt and waft your whatnots at them to verify which bits you have ‘down below’. I think you’ll agree that this would be insane. More sense would be to just encourage women to report any suspicious people lurking in the toilets. They can traditionally be identified on account of them having beards, sweating profusely and possibly masturbating. Though that could also be the one who won Eurovision the other year.

Transgenderism is all fine then and most rational, enlightened people could just get on with life without giving it a second thought. Unfortunately there are a lot of unenlightened people out there, and not just in North Carolina, and besides the Transgenders would make it very clear that they are not to be ignored anyway. Events on the Transgender calendar include ‘International Transgender Day of Visibility (leave that cloak at home and we get to spot you out from the crowd), Transgender Awareness Week, Transgender Day of Remembrance (my favourite) and the Trans March. So that’s all very clear. Every week there’s some kind of story about anger and indignation from a member of the Transgender community. Kim Petras (formerly Tim; brilliant, that must have taken some thought), a German pop singer, is lauded as the youngest ever transsexual after a successful operation aged 16. Not long ago The Guardian had an article about children who had already decided they were the wrong sex by the age of 5 or 6. Well done you.

I would hate for anyone to think this is written by the dainty fingers of a hateful, bigot, macho man. I’m not, and I really don’t mind granting all kinds of laws for Transgenders and anyone else who feel genderly frustrated. I’m sorry that there aren’t more Transgender fork lift truck operators out there and I’m sorry that Transgender zoo keepers don’t get the recognition they deserve. I guess the rigour of everyday life just distracts me, but I can hear you knocking. I have a dream, that one day people will be judged not by the contents of their underwear but by their contribution to society in general and whether they can find an avenue where they are happy with their choices in life. I have a dream that by 2050 at least 43% of African dictators will be Transgender or seriously sympathetic to the Transgender community cause. I also have a dream where I’m kissing a woman with a willy but let’s not go there now. Do what you want, I wish you luck, but, if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll give the Trans March a miss. This year anyway.

G B Hewitt. 9.4.2016

I’m really sorry if the term Transgenders isn’t very appropriate. I’m not even sure it should have a capital T. Just ignore me. I know nothing.

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