It’s not news.

Just a quickie really, to cast a little light on the kind of shit we get in the news. Well on the BBC News website anyway.

  1. The Pope has taken 12 Syrian refugees back to the Vatican following a visit to a camp on the island of Lesbos. Well done him, give him a pat on the head. It’s not yet been satisfactorily explained why. For all we know the Sistine Chapel’s female toilet is blocked and needs plunging pronto (Rome is a pricy place for plumbers). Or he wants a recreation of The Last Supper with refugees. He’d be JC, of course. Whatever the reason it seems a kind but ultimately quite selfish PR gesture. Come and have a look at my big house, you poor unwashed types. Yes, I’ve brought you to a city you won’t ever be able to afford to live in and the only nice thing is that you’re not left drinking your own urine in appalling conditions with the rest of your pesky, border hopping chums. I hope his worshipfulness doesn’t think that, since The Vatican is ever so tiny, their commitment to helping with the migrant problem is now fulfilled.
  2. Boris Johnson accusing Obama of hypocrisy. Mmmm, a politician accusing another politician of hypocrisy. Whatever next. A pot and kettle scenario beckons.
  3. William and Kate have climbed up a big hill somewhere on their way to recreating Princess Diana’s Taj Mahal photos in India. Is it just me or is that a wee bit creepy? And give me back my tax money too.
  4. A story about a man who hid his tendency to dress as a woman. For 12 years Peter kept Penny his own little secret, until he came clean to wife Lou (I just keep thinking Reed) who then had to keep it secret for another 10 years. Now they’re all sorted and happy and sitting on a sofa pretending to smile at each other while Lou is quietly thinking about how she could have spent the last 22 years doing something different. I mention this story because it fills space on the BBC News website and is, very clearly, not fucking news. This belongs in Grazia, if it belongs anywhere.
  5. Only eat one jar of Dolmio a week. We have been bombarded with facts and figures about the foods that we eat tons of, and now wish we hadn’t. What no-one seems to have questioned is why anyone sane would want to eat Dolmio more than once a week. I can’t remember the last time I opened open a jar deliberately and I eat a LOT of shit. I’d sooner drink a pint of petrol for breakfast. You can have my share of the Dolmio.
  6. Buckinghamshire County Council has decided to paint big white lines around an ancient boulder decorating the middle of the road in the village of Soulbury. The boulder is the same colour as the road and could cause accidents. The locals are furious. Perhaps they should have made the road a different colour or painted the boulder bright pink instead. What the locals and the BBC don’t realise is that there probably isn’t a soul that lives anywhere else in the country that could give a donkey’s cock about their precious little boulder. The opposite of news.
  7. Finally, in the ‘arts’, James Cameron has announced he will be making 4 sequels to his smash film Avatar. Is he mad? Firstly it might be prudent to wait and see if Avatar 2 is any good. Given that the original was technically flash but generally pretty shit, the jury really is out for the next part; which in itself isn’t coming out until 2018. That’s 9 years that sci-fi/fantasy film fans/twats will have waited and then big Jim reckons part 3 is due for 2020. I’m bored just writing this. I watched Avatar in the big IMAX in 3D and even that couldn’t save it. I don’t think I’ll have trouble sleeping until 2018. And certainly not during Avatar 2.

What a let down. Real news please Mr BBC.

G B Hewitt. 16.4.2016

Very rushed and mistakey. Off to a friends 50th birthday do, so can’t hang around.

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