You were always…

Facebook keeps asking me what’s on my mind so, since I have a few minutes, here goes.

1. That photo of a dad with his son, in the shower. That photo has ‘sparked debate’, primarily between people who think it’s ‘beautiful’ and ‘touching’ and people who think it’s ‘inappropriate’ and ‘unsettling’. In fact most ‘people’ have missed the point entirely because that photo is in fact ‘shit’. Why anyone is remotely interested in photos of other people’s children has always been beyond me. The truth is they’re not, but they’re prepared to pretend they are just so that someone else will swoon over their little creep. The whole exercise is a huge slice of extended narcissism and should be choked of media coverage all together. If you really want proof of how rubbish the whole thing is you should remember that the child is called Fox and has stupid braided hair, not to mention parents who responded to his life-threatening illness by holding him in the shower and taking photos instead of going to the fucking hospital like normal people who don’t choose daft names for their kids. You wouldn’t call your child stoat or badger. Or maybe you would.
2. BANG! CRASH! DISASTER! NEWS! The plane crash this week was awful and we all should pause to show a sign of respect for those that died in undoubtedly traumatic, pant filling circumstances. The media chose to avoid this option and instead filled their pages with nothing. No information whatsoever has never been so time consuming. You could call the first 24 hours of coverage misleading if you wanted to, but that would suggest that at some point some of it had been…er…leading. Here’s my suggestion. Sit back and wait for a few fucking minutes until you have some actual facts to relay to us and until then we can just soak up the event and be glad it wasn’t us.
3. Ivor Novello. Can it be true that a group of musicians have heard all the music made in the last year and decided that Adele is the best songwriter on the planet? I would understand this if the only two people who have made music in the last 12 months were Adele and Jamie Lawson. But in reality the ether is ripping open with so much music it just can’t be true that Adele bellowing ‘Hello’ while her eyes pop out, like a climaxing gnu, is the most inspiring sound we’ve all heard recently. Jamie Lawson is very likely a lovely man, possibly too lovely, but that doesn’t make ‘Wasn’t Expecting That’ any better (it won the award for ‘best song musically and lyrically’, what else can a song be judged on?). In the pantheon of crappy, twee, sugar-riddled, un-good love songs which end up in unexpected cancer misery this has to be the best. And definitely the worst. It’s all a bit baffling until you realise that Sharleen Spiteri was on the voting panel. She has a daughter called Misty Kyd so I wouldn’t go trusting her judgement anytime soon.
4. Right now ‘the wife’ is filling in a car accident report form for insurance purposes. Don’t worry, she’s fine, but we’re having trouble wording the incident. The problem is that’s she’s so nice and wants to write it properly but we’re dealing with insurance people here and she wasn’t in the wrong so why torture yourself over it, my love. I reckon you could probably write ‘I was pulling away from a petrol pump when some half blind, silly, stupid old fuck-nut went into me’ and get away with it. She won’t write that though because, as I said, she’s so lovely and why she married an arsehole like me is quite a considerable mystery.
5. Dog attack. If you had a dog that you couldn’t control and you shut it into a children’s playground and then your dog bit 11 children you could rightly expect that dog to be tasered and sent to the big kennel in the sky for ugly dogs owned by stupid pricks. This would be a mercy and as the owner you should also pay a price. I could happily spend the next 10,000 words coming up with ideas for that price but a good kick in the fanny would be a fair warm up exercise.
6. The not very good band ‘Eagles of Death Metal’ have been banned from two French festivals because their lead singer still reckons the security at The Bataclan was partly responsible for the Paris attack there, way back when. Two things: firstly the only people responsible for those attacks were the fundamentalist religious gasbags called ‘so called ISIS’ because they all have tiny willies and smaller brains and want everyone to know about it. Secondly I think it’s becoming important that the lead singer of ‘Eagles of Death Metal’ shut his piehole and stop crying and remember he got out alive and respect the silence and dignity of the people who had their arses blown off instead. He’s already had a hug from most of U2 and made a few quid from increased ticket sales. Time for a rest, dear boy.

There you go. That’s what on my mind.

G B Hewitt. 21.05.2016