A moment on the lips.

Yesterday was, I am reliably informed, our ‘kissaversary’. That’s right, 7 years ago yesterday my future wife and I had our first nervous, awkward kiss. Probably. This is precisely the kind of event that, generally speaking, women are very good at remembering and men just don’t bother trying to. What I can tell you is that we both chose gifts for the other to give and we celebrated by going to someone else’s evening wedding. Great. Anniversarily speaking ‘Onstupidity.com’ is 50 posts old today. Yay. ‘The wife’ kicked me enough times to get it going so this is for her. She’s great. One of the reasons she’s so great is that she puts up with all my crap. Which is why we’re married.

For example here is a rough transcript of a conversation between ‘the wife’ and I in the car last weekend. In the background the radio is playing the limp, cold, discarded condom of music that is ‘Crazy’ by Seal.

Me: It’s ridiculous that there must be thousands of people out there for whom Seal is the best recording artist ever. I mean this one’s alright I suppose but he’s done very little more than fuck all else worth hearing.

Her: Oh I don’t know, I quite like a few of his.

Me: Oh come on he’s so magnolia and what a stupid name. Right, name me one more worth listening to. This may as well be The Lighthouse Family. They’re twats as well.

Her: Well, wasn’t there that one from…oh you know…. the one with…..

Me: Precisely, load of rubbish, honestly woman, why can’t you just agree with me for once!

I should hasten to point out that none of this conversation was conducted in an aggressive manner, these kinds of dialogues pop up all the time. We weren’t having a proper fall out between Little Miss Sniff and Mr McPassiveaggressive. Anyway we some soon stumbled over a different thread of shared interest and so the journey continued and we maintained a healthy appreciation of all that we bring to one another’s lives; sometimes spoken, sometimes not so much. Mind you for all I know if you asked ‘the wife’ for her take on the above exchange she might possibly have a slight different view.

Me: Moan, moan, moan, grumble, grumble, rant, bitch, rant, something deeply inappropriate.

Her: Yes dear.

Me: Criticise, whine, whine, bleat, moan, ramble, swear, swear.

Her: Yes dear.

Me: Something else deeply inappropriate followed by a deeply inappropriate generalisation, moan, moan, moan.

Her: Shut the fuck up you opinionated arsehole and enjoy the fact the sun is shining and you have a brilliant wife. You’re persistently wrong about so much and on so many levels. You should always be talking about how great I am instead of belittling the awful but startlingly lucrative career of a man named after a blubberous animal that eats sardines. Dear.

She would probably have a point! You see ‘the wife’ is a force of nature and her best qualities embody everything that I am not. She is patient and caring and friendly and positive and generous and kind. I am a dick. I sometimes find myself actively trying to discourage her from some random act of kindness, usually to prevent a flurry of baking. Where she sees the best in people I make a beeline for the worst.

Of course ‘the wife’ is a mere human being so even she has the odd chink in her armour. She can generate mess like a fox in a dustbin, she never reads the recipe properly before she starts making things, she drives like a nutter and she occasionally leaps into an act of lunacy that can really quite startle. Sometimes she reads all this stuff I’ve written and asks why I bothered to marry her and the simple answer is that she’s my lobster, my squirrel, my pumpkin, my piglet and my darling wife and life would seem incomprehensible, meaningless and rubbish all at once if she were to vanish. Incomprehensible, meaningless and rubbish. Is it just me but does that also sound like Seal’s career?

Anyway my love, happy kissaversary for yesterday. You are very much ‘the one’.

G B Hewitt. 29.05.2016.


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