On Highway Maintenance.

Let’s talk stupid.

Stupid is ‘Highway Maintenance’. What exactly is the point of ‘Highway Maintenance’? Of the dozens of ‘Highway Maintenance’ vehicles you might see every single day how many of them are actually helping to maintain the highway? Almost every single one I ever see is driving in front of me far slower than they could be and clogging up the road. Imagine if every ‘Highway Maintenance’ truck did their work. It would feel like driving on solid silver.

Quite where they’re going is beyond me but I can only assume there’s some enormous mythical pothole out there that every clueless driver is perpetually re-routing to. Anything to stop and do some work. Of course the other guarantee in life is that when you see a ‘Highway Maintenance’ truck parked next to some roadworks there won’t be a soul in site. Of the three men that were in that truck one will be taking a dump and the other two will be standing close by having a fag break, for ‘health and safety’ reasons.

Possibly even worse than ‘Highway Maintenance’ vehicles are the highway maintenance imposters. These bastards form roughly 20% of all traffic on the roads and it appears that all they need to make them special are some shiny yellow and red stripes. Just look how shiny they are. To earn this badge of honour is really quite simple. You go to Halfords or somewhere similar and you buy some shiny yellow and red stripes and then stick them on the back of your van. Even cars can get them cut to size these days. Technically speaking I could probably stick them on my car under the premise that I drive it on the roads and sometimes have to stop at places.

Most of these charlatans fall into ‘other maintenance’ duties. Water and electricity and gas and glass and site security and all that crap, some of it essential and some of it very nonessential. These are the pricks that you have to dangerously brake for on the motorway because you think they’re the police. These vehicles are actually a danger on the roads (or at least an additional danger) and all for a couple of strips of glow in the dark plastic. There should be a law, but I doubt there is.

Let’s wrap this up because, frankly, it’s a bit lightweight. Special loathing is reserved for the stripey twats who have no special reason whatsoever. These are the folk who just happen to have a beaten up old pick up truck and want to make it look a bit special. These people aren’t even pretending to get to a problem or deal with any kind of infrastructure issue. They’re just drifting along in their sad old vans trying to work out what went wrong with their lives. I’d love to know where the guy who holds me up on the way to work every morning is going. I bet it’s the back end of fucking nowhere. At best. They fall into the same category as middle aged men who have ex-military trucks up on bricks outside their parents houses but never saw a day in the army. They’ve lost their way and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Come on people, take the shiny stripes off and live a little. Leave it to the police and ambulance services. You can’t hide behind ‘Highway Maintenance’ forever!

G B Hewitt. 9,08.2017

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