Sleep tight.

This morning I went to M&S and, as seems to be a regular thing these days, there was a representative trying to shove a promotional product down as many throats as possible. Today’s innovative thing you simply must have was a night face cream and it’s USP was that it could make you look like you’ve had 8 hours sleep. Even better in fact the poster said “look like you’ve had 8 hours sleep…… even if you haven’t”.

Brilliant, it’s a miracle. Almost as miraculous as actually sleeping for 8 hours which everyone knows never happens anymore. There are just too many stupid things to keep us awake: nuclear war with North Korea, terrorists, credit card debt, intravenous drugs detox, police sirens, scratch card addiction, having an affair, your partner having an affair, any number of back lit devices, the next door neighbours arguing, the street lights, a daddy long legs in the room, a burglar in the room, having too much sex, not having enough sex, the neighbours having sex, a pigeon in the chimney, Father Christmas in the chimney, the bills, the kids, the thunder, the lightning, the tossing, the turning, one of you refusing to say sorry, a bad mattress, having a shit job, having a shit life and of course Games of fucking Thrones.

I can’t remember the last time I had 8 totally solid hours sleep but at the same time I’d also find it hard to spot someone who’d had exactly that. What do they look like? Do they carry themselves in a slightly superior way? Do they have to pretend to yawn? Do their eyes not look like glassy pools of insomnia riddled despair? More worrying though is the problem of everyone using the M&S night cream because then there’ll be loads of people who look like they’ve had 8 hours sleep when if fact they’ve barely slept a wink all night.

‘Hey look, we’ve got to transport this banana from Inverness to Plymouth in 7 hours, by road, or the company’s going under! You, yes you over there, you look like you’ve had 8 hours sleep, grab that banana and get out there!’. It’s a daft scenario I’ll grant you but it could happen and you’ll be sorry if that perky faced banana courier turns out to be you. Take comfort in the knowledge though that as they drag your limp corpse from the truck you’ve just driven through the central reservation somewhere on the M5, you’ll at least look like you had a good nights sleep.

Or…….. ‘well it’s another day in the factory and it’s my turn to operate this horrifically dangerous piece of heavy, sharp equipment. I haven’t slept properly for 4 nights and my brain is telling me not to do it but thanks to M&S’s amazing night cream my face tells me something else!’. But again, as your colleague helps put your severed arm in the back of the ambulance, at least you’ll have a face as fresh as a daisy, albeit utterly drained of colour.

So, stupidity just keeps coming and nowhere else has it manifested itself so undiluted this week than in the world of celebrities. The Celebrity Big Brother house has an extra special pod of morons to entertain us this season. If you haven’t seen it then you must, if only to absorb just how repulsive some of them are, with extra special awards going to Jemma Lucy and Paul Danan, who between them envelop every awful characteristic that humans possess. Pair of twats. Whilst looking them up I also stumbled across another ‘celebrity’ by the name of Rodrigo Alves. He’s ‘famous’ for being a living Ken doll (as in Barbie and..) and I really don’t know a great deal about him except that, for better or worse, whether he likes it or not, he just looks fucking stupid. You may as well look him up too.

G B Hewitt. 11.08.2017

You know you want to. Pretty please.



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