Typical. But not as we know it.

Yay! There’s going to be a royal wedding. Yay! How exciting. Yay! Hooray! And what makes it even more brilliant is the way that we’re going to be leaked all kinds of hints and titbits, assumptions and lies about it for the next 6 months. The media will be scratching themselves and everyone else for the tiniest bit of useless information on what will undoubtedly be the wedding of the year (well, next year, obviously). No, wait, the wedding of the decade surely? No, hold on, the wedding of the century. The millennium. The most important wedding, important and exciting, of all time. Not just since the dawn of homo-sapiens but since the Big Bang and possibly even before that. If this wedding had happened in Genesis (the book, not the band) then God wouldn’t have had to bother with the rest of the Bible; he could have just written a bit about a street party and then popped off for a fag and a pint (both created on the fourth day, interesting fact).

So, here’s what we know about the happy couple so far and here’s also what we think we know because the news says so and because they’re not allowed to admit that they know fuck all.

1. Harry designed the ring. Yes, of course he did. Clever chap. And who thought that ‘B’ in Art was a waste of time? I get the feeling it was a bit like Katie Price ‘creating’ a fragrance.

2. The Archbishop of Canterbury has indicated they may get married in a church. Really! This as opposed to a mosque or an Orthodox synagogue or even in the woods with a ritualistic Pagan ceremony; climaxing with Harry dangling a goat skull from his testes as Meghan spins herself into a fiddle, intoxicated on hedgehog blood. That I would pay to see.

3. He proposed whilst they were making roast chicken. This is a bit confusing. Is it a euphemism? Is ‘doing a roast chicken’ a sex position involving crouching? At which stage of the roasting a chicken process did he pop the question? Which stage is considered to be the most romantic? Rubbing the carcass in butter? Stuffing a lemon right up inside the carcass. Basting the carcass in boiling fat? Cutting bits off the carcass of the dead animal? Is it just me or does the word ‘carcass’ suddenly sound really romantic?

4. According to the Prince, Ms Markle “just tripped and fell into my life”. One must assume she tripped over a cliché someone had carelessly dropped on the floor. Or a chicken drumstick.

5. Going back to the proposal: it happened on a “standard, typical night for us” at Kensington Palace. Ah yes, one of those. A run of the mill, typically standard and standardly typical night in a tax-fuelled royal palace. Who can’t relate to that and its inherent typical-ness?

6. Another standard, typical thing is that the bloody huge diamond in the centre of her ring (not that ring) was from Botswana, where they stayed together early on in their relationship. I’m so stupid, why didn’t I think to take my future wife to Botswana on a date instead of Nando’s!? Meghan said the huge diamond (presumably dug up by a toothless, impoverished local who then tried to hide it in his anus) was a sign of Harry’s “thoughtfulness”. She’s right, I didn’t think of that either. And I never knew thoughtfulness was so expensive.

7. Rather inevitably and supremely inescapably, but also oddly standard and typical, is that the other 2 diamonds in the ring belonged to Harry’s mum; Diana, the Princess of Hearts. I can only speak for myself but I think it’s very touching that every time Meghan looks at her ring she’ll be reminded of Harry’s dead mother. And that every time Harry sees Meghan’s ring he’ll be reminded of his dead mother too. It’s what keeps the sparkle alive, I’m told.

8. The loved-up pair will live in Harry’s “cosy” 2 bedroom London residence – Nottingham Cottage, a lovely,, quiet space, far away from (but in the grounds of) the typical and standard, fucking enormous, Kensington Palace. Royal insiders refer to the snuggle box as “Nott Cott”. Because they’re pricks.

9. The couple told the BBC’s Mishal Husain that they met on a blind date and neither had known much about each other. I suspect neither of them are totally au fait with the concept of a blind date then. Or lying through their teeth. Not as clever as they’re not supposed to be, certainly. He also said that their union was a sign that the “stars were aligned”, which we all know is a load of bollocks. He’s a member of the royal family, they’re sexually compatible and they don’t argue much. Yet. Job done. Align my arse.

10. As if to prove that every silver lining has a cloud it appears that Ms Markle will be leaving her acting career behind. This is a tremendous shame as we’ve been gripped for some time by some third rate American drama that only 7 people in this country watch. I know 3 of them. Instead we’ll get to watch her walking very slowly towards things and holding hands with dying children; which is another kind of acting altogether.

I don’t mind Harry, he’s alright. I’d sooner have him as king than his Dad. And Meghan seems like a lot more fun that Kate ‘squeaks when she walks’ Middleton. I really do wish them luck but I can’t bear the gristle we’ll have to chew on for the next 6 months. I suspect they might struggle as well.

G B Hewitt. 28.11.2017

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