At this time of year.

Its at this time of year that we should take a few moments to reflect. That’s what I’m told anyway so just as a time filler why not take exactly that – a few moments to do a bit of reflecting. Take a look out there and have a good, long, hard reflect. What shall we reflect on? Let’s start with Donald Trump declaring Jerusalem to be the true capital of Israel. This is an act of such undiluted stupidity that even he has under-stripped his own lethally low standards. Even worse that he’s waited until Christmas, because there’s nothing that says Christmas better than a crowd of very angry Palestinians throwing petrol bombs and trying to avoid being shot in the face with rubber bullets. That’s assuming the Israeli army would kind enough to use rubber bullets.

It’s also at this time of year that we should reflect on Brexit, because lets face it it’s not going anywhere in a hurry. I’m so often wrong about stuff but I’m really very pleased about how right I was about Brexit. If anything I actually failed to predict quite how abysmally boring it would all be. I didn’t know that there was a new level of boredom; one even further beyond listening to ‘Elaine Paige’s Showtunes’ on a Sunday afternoon. And it doesn’t help that everyone still talks about Brexit deals in terms of their consistency. You can have a soft, gentle Brexit with honey and flowers or you can have a really fucking nasty, hard Brexit. Up the arse.

It’s at this time of the year that we should reflect on the possibility that I may be the only man alive that hasn’t been touched inappropriately by Kevin Spacey. With more allegations tumbling out in the last few days it has occurred that I may as well make one myself, just on the off chance that Kevin was drunk and couldn’t remember it. Obviously it would be silly to go into details but I can confirm I have watched several films with him in and that whilst watching one of them I did have a strange feeling that he was thinking about me in a sexual way. But I could be wrong.

It’s at this time of year that we might like to reflect on the fact that Britain is the proud new owner of our biggest aircraft carrier ever. Brilliant. It’s really going to help when we have the next world war because we can send it anywhere we want with our massive standing army of, er, 80,000 troops and a couple of helicopters. I can sleep safe at night knowing what a terrifying impact that will have on the combined Chinese/North Korean armies which number 3.4 million. And I’ll be heartened to know that as this green and pleasant land is pummelled into a post apocalyptic toilet that the HMS Queen Elizabeth is slipping gently out of Portsmouth Harbour to take a look what’s going on out there.

And it’s at this time of year that it’s really important to reflect on the birth of our lord Jesus Christ and wonder what he would think of all this. If he were born today would Mary be frying up the placenta with some donkey sausages and a frankincence jus. Would the lowly manger have been secured with a online booking through Secret Escapes and the crib have been a steal on Black Friday? Would Joseph be sporting a hipster moustache and a paisley bow tie and negotiating an extra week of paternity leave? Would the shepherds not really be shepherds anymore because the possibilities of a hard Brexit, the resulting economic uncertainties and a sudden dip (no pun) in mutton prices have forced them out of business and into the human trafficking trade? Would the three kings have had a few moments to reflect on their lives and ask precisely why, being kings and all that, they should give half an arse about crossing a desert just to chuck a few pressies at some wailing lump that may or may not be the son of god?

We live in troubled times, dear friends. We live in troubled times and it’s been hard to get around to writing much lately. I must say I’m fairly disappointed with myself for that and we both know that this little ditty is scant compensation. What I can reflect on is that I have a lovely little wifey who I’m very super fond of and I can’t really see how I could have done any better, even if I’d tried really hard. And I also know that I am besotted with our little kitten who may not be quite so little anymore but is still the cutest button on the planet and even when she’s turning my forearms into kebab meat she softens my cold, bleak heart with just a passing glance.

I have lots of wonderful music to listen to and lots of good books I still haven’t read and I know an awful lot of useless stuff about films. I know that I’ll never watch ‘The Shipping News’, not because Kevin Spacey is in it but because it looks like a boring old load of shit. I know I don’t have a lot of friends but I also know that the ones I do have are the best friends in the world. I don’t regret leaving Facebook one tiny bit and I know that on a good day I’m really rather good at my job (not writing this, clearly, I mean my actual job).

I know that the world is round and that religion hasn’t done us much good. I know that it isn’t worth following the England football team anymore and that Michael Gove should be on the dole. I know that today the sky is blue and the sun is out and it’s very cold and it could all be a lot worse. I have more than I need, not quite as much as I want and a lot less to worry about than most people and if that isn’t the plus side to a little bit of hot, hard, penetrative reflecting action then I don’t know what is. Merry Christmas if I don’t see you before then.

G B Hewitt. 09.12.2017