Bless they/them.

I suppose you have to feel sorry for Sam Smith. He’s ever so confused. Perhaps we should set up a hotline. A help hotline just for Sam Smith. He’d call up whenever he’s extra confused and he’d be on the other end of the line because realistically only he knows how to solve his own problem because I’ve got to the stage where I haven’t got a fucking clue what he’s on about. Oh shit, look at me being all insensitive, calling Sam Smith ‘he’. He, shit, done it again, er, Sam Smith has announced that Sam Smith wants to be referred to as ‘they’ or ‘them’ from now on; just until he, sorry, fuck, this is impossible, they/them knows what they/them are. He’s confused? They/them’s confused! I’m fucking baffled.


You must know by now that I don’t have a problem with Sam Smith the man. Sorry, the human. Sorry again, the hu-an being. They/them can do what they/them likes. My big problem is with they/them’s music – a dreary yelp of self-pitying anguish which then pillages gospel for all the wrong reasons and in all the wrong ways. They/them’s music is the sensory equivalent of being masturbated by a family of malicious squid. They/them must also, at a time of they/them’s choosing, respect the fact that most people not in the LGBT community (and I suspect quite a few of those in it) have no interest in the way they/them feels about they/them’s sexuality. They/them can, quite literally, do what they/them wants; they/them just shouldn’t feel that they/them needs to share it with the world.


They/them wrote on Instagram – “After a lifetime of being at war with my gender I’ve decided to embrace myself for who I am, inside and out.” I’m clearly being stupid because that doesn’t make any sense to me. How can you be at war with your gender without your gender being at war back? I totally get that they/them doesn’t feel comfortable but you can’t literally argue with a biological fact. And how is they/them embracing theyself/themselves by making theyself/themselves even more confused than theyself/themselves were in the first place. I suppose at least they/them isn’t at ‘war’ with theyself/themselves any more. What a relief. They/them also said – “I’ve been very nervous about announcing this because I care too much about what people think.”. I suspect many might think they/them has overstepped the mark a touch and is officially a pretentious non-gender specific item of genitalia.


Anyway, what the fuck do I know? Clearly not a lot. Perhaps I suffer from not giving a shit at all – it is OK to be what you want after all, it just doesn’t require applause. I’m more bothered if Sam Smith is a useful person. The jury’s out. Moving on – six months ago Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms Smith announced he was non-binary. Now I’ve never been great at maths, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I was always labouring under the impression that binary was to do with 2 things. Therefore non-binary, if we’re being fussy, is anything that’s not to do with 2 things. So does that mean that they/them is just 1 thing. Or 3 things? Or any number of things all just floating around looking for a reason to cry? Christ, they/them must go round in circles for hours before they/them even gets out of bed in the morning.


If it’s any help then perhaps they/them could use the freedom of being non-binary to broaden they/them’s horizons. Since they/them’s already playing fast and loose with the laws of nature and millions of years of evolution they/them could technically be whatever they/them wants to be. They/them could identify as being half mango/half toast rack. Or a subtle blend of a 3 tier pine shelving unit, a sourdough loaf and half a gallon of high performance synthetic engine oil. Literally – whatever the fuck they/them wants. Because, after all, it is all about they/them, a hu-an being so self-involved it never occurred to they/them that people don’t need to refer to they/them as he, she, they or them at all; they could call they/them Sam Smith and be done with it. Life is already complicated enough, they/them is welcome to confuse theyself/themselves all they/them wants but they/them doesn’t need to make us utterly bewildered too. From now on I’m going to refer to Sam Smith as a fridge magnet with a slight underbite. I blame they/them for the last bit – if they/them didn’t promote theyself/themselves so much I would never have noticed.


G B Hewitt. 14.09.2019

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