You know what? I think I’ve just about had enough of Prince Harry. He’s supposed to be the good one, isn’t he? He’s supposed to give the royal family a chance; make you think they’re worth having around. That they’ve still got that something special. It’s not as if there’s a lot of competition out there. They’re all thoroughly fucked up in one way or another, with the possible exception of Liz, but even she has her moments and let’s face it: if she were that great she would have told Philip to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up decades ago. There are families and then there’s them.
Inbreeding and poor choices can’t have helped. Or maybe it was the other way round. Either way they’ve got some proper rum old rakes in there. Andrew clearly can’t think of a single thing not directly related to, or in contact with the end of his cock. He probably has to have his balls drained daily so he doesn’t get a migraine. William has all the charisma of a second hand duvet protector and his wife has all the charisma of her husband. Prince Edward hasn’t evolved much beyond being the last shot of semen to get through the fence, but at least he had the sense to virtually vanish himself when the damage got too much. And then there’s Charles, who one should never assume is just a bit cuckoo. He’s a dangerous bumwad; a pampered little prick who somehow makes my lawnmower appear more capable of being an effective monarch. He will either make or break the future of the royal family; and when I say that I mean he will break it. Give it a proper going over.
And yet I still quite like the royal family, or at least the concept of one and what they represent through history, back when they had some real clout. I’d rather have them than a president, for now, and I don’t wander around growling to myself and having dark thoughts about them. Well, just the ones above, but I’m only venting them because of Harry, who, over time I had gently warmed to. But now he’s gone and buggered it and it wasn’t at all necessary. It started a few weeks ago when he feebly tried to defend himself over his carbon fucking footprint. The answer is NO, Harry – you are not entitled to a bigger carbon footprint just because you feel it will make a difference shuffling through former colonies, shaking poor people’s hands.
What’s more, Harry, is that if you spend a load of money on something else, some other royal excuse for a helping hand, that doesn’t mean you have automatically ‘offset’ your carbon footprint. In fact it just means you’ve left great big carbon boot marks all over the place and then paid a shit load of money for the privilege. If that doesn’t summarise the idiocy of privilege then I don’t know what does. Speaking of idiocy you know when your priorities are utterly pumped to shreds when you have to rely on Sir Elton John to defend your use of private jets. Beyond words. Beyond a joke.
To tap it all off Harry and Meghan are in Africa right now, hopscotching landmines and hugging AIDS and talking sincerely about the same old crap and probably making no difference whatsoever because where they’ll go will definitely not be the most dangerous places that Africa can offer. Not good places, but not the worst. They wouldn’t be seen dead in those places because if they went to those places then they would be dead. Not everywhere in Africa is a village with beaming faces and garlands of flowers. And when Harry stood in front of some students and said “sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed in the mornings because of all the issues” I began to cry inside. Not for him but because of him.
It means nothing and it says nothing and it’s of no help to anyone; African or otherwise. It’s such an offensively bland and lazily patronising statement and if he was slyly trying to raise awareness of his mental health issues then I’m sorry, but that just wasn’t the time or place. Africa has far bigger problems than Prince Harry will ever know or have to ever realistically experience and they’re a fuck sight prouder than to need him coming over all gooey and concerned about “all the issues” that cloud his mind every time Meghan rolls over with the alarm. As for staying in bed, well that might not be a bad idea if all he does when he gets up is talk arse. And it nicely encapsulates the biggest problem about the royal family. They’ve been made to think they’re still something special but to be something special you really do need to be, well, something special. And they’re not. Not anymore.
G B Hewitt. 27.09.2019