If we take it as a given that no reality/competition TV show can ever truly hold my fragile, pathetic attention then at least give The Apprentice a bit of credit for doing better than most. Strictly Come Dancing came and went pretty quickly because it’s just 2 people dancing again and again and again with not a lot of character in between. I’m A Celebrity is a worn out old hippo, as is every other celebrity reality show because they have to use ever more tissue thin definitions of celebrity to tick the boxes and now it’s all plain dull. The Apprentice however just about still works because it doesn’t deal in dancers or celebrities; it deals in wankers. And in this day and age wankers are never in short supply.
For the common or garden variety tosspot The Apprentice is their cathedral, their podium, their crown and, with the exception of the winner, their loss. I’ve done this before and I’m doing it again because it’s always such rich pickings, and bear in mind we haven’t seen them in action yet. Here’s my guide to just a few of the contestants whose collected talents (and I think you’ll find I’ll be right) couldn’t fill what space is left inside a very used condom. For reference I used ‘The Sun’ website. Your sources may differ.
First up is Dean Ahmed, whose immediate function is to remind us that history rarely favours people called Dean. Dean “believes he is the definition of an entrepreneur” which makes much more sense if I say I believe I am the reincarnation of Alfred the Great and the illegitimate daughter of Denzel Washington. He also claims he has “definitely got the gift of the gab, I can persuade anyone to do anything.”. If that’s true why is he wasting his time going on The Apprentice?
Then we have Scarlett Allen-Horton, who looks like a badly cracked pistachio nut. Not to worry, she embodies the modesty to which we have become so familiar on The Apprentice. Not everyone can get away with “I am an achiever. I have been the highest performer across every workplace I have worked within.”. Sadly that includes Scarlett because if she was that good she wouldn’t need to rely on embarrassing herself every week on TV in the vain hope of a deeply flawed business deal with a man that resembles a hairy grey testicle.
Things brighten up with the interestingly named Venezuelan ‘hottie’ Jemelin Artegas, who isn’t ashamed to hide her humble background behind a veneer of arrogance (leading to inevitable hubris). “I never have problems, I only have solutions.”, she boldly claims, and I for one cannot wait to see how she solves every single problem thrown at her. She also say she is “1000% committed” to every task, which is a big mathematical problem in itself. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out she’s 1000% talking out of her bum.
I feel obliged to be nice about Souleyman Bah because he is blind and a para-athlete. But then he is also a motivational speaker, so that evens it out a bit. He says “The less sight I have, the more imagination I gain, because what you see is what you see and what you don’t see is when the magic begins.”. Read that enough times and it’ll give you a headache. I just assume and hope that Mr Bah is well enough equipped to imagine the magic of being fired from The Apprentice when he tries to sell a job lot of second hand dildos to a Jehovah’s Witness.
Lubna Farhan isn’t shy about her background; just a bit snooty about it, from what I can tell. High flying mother of two (also very important to know) Lubna wants you to understand that she came from a council estate but is so great that she managed to wrench herself free, stating: “I came from a council estate… I have made myself into something good and I’m on my way to becoming something great”. Sadly, by implication what she’s really saying is that everyone else stuck on a council estate can stay, er, stuck on a council estate because they’re not quite as good as her. I bet she’s a wonderful mother.
Now meet Pamela Laird from Dublin, the owner of ‘a beauty brand’ and someone who relishes the thrill of being “the under-estimated person in the room.”. I’d say that’s quite a strange thing to enjoy – standing in a room and being under-estimated. Under-estimated at what? Is she a ninja, or a member of the Taliban? Can she breathe underwater and lay eggs? You see, Pamela, it’s perfectly fine to be under-estimated but you then have to make sure that at some point you prove that you were ever worth estimating in any capacity whatsoever. She won’t be.
And behold the ludicrously titled Lottie Lion, who is dressed like an angry banana. Apparently she’s 19 and a librarian and why wouldn’t she be throwing herself into the break-neck world of Lord Sugar’s meat grinder? Indeed Lottie claims to be a kind of “cut throat” gal anyway and has tremendous “powers of persuasion”, which must come in handy when helping people avoid overdue charges. She also says “I bring ‘class’ to everything and ensure nothing I do is half-standard or tacky.”. The fact this quote is directly above an Instagram photo of Ms Lion on a beach with her arse hanging out suggests she has a slightly different understanding of the word ‘class’ than most of the rest of us.
Finally, the special prize for making you want to shower in bleach this year goes to Ryan-Mark Parsons (who has a double barrel first name???) who already appears to be the pungent, fatty turd on the steam room floor. He is also 19 and looks like what would happen if the ghost of Michael McIntyre had a child with a third rate sex doll. He describes himself as a “60 year old trapped in the body of a teenager” and even more comically creepy as “the epitome of luxury”. Perhaps more usefully he claims his best asset to be his “ability to forge with anyone”. I presume he means the connection between his face and the fist of whoever anyone happens to be at the time. Or does he mean in an iron ore sense? The consummate apprentice? No, the consummate prick. A luxury scrotum.
Now that’s roughly half of the contenders but it’s enough of them for me to stomach in one sitting. If the prime objective of this site is to identify stupidity in any guise then in The Apprentice it often finds some of its richest hunting grounds. And the other reason I still like The Apprentice is that the pre-show character intro is just the tip of a vast, stupid iceberg and since this lot are volunteering themselves to prove they’re stupid then they’re not much more than cross eyed, three legged, infant antelopes in lion country. Fair game. Fair game.
G B Hewitt. 26.09.2019