Do you want your Christmas saved or not? Do you want to go to a Nativity play this year? Well, do you? Just answer the question: yes or no? Because if you do then you’d better listen very carefully to the following messages. First up is that we’ve been invaded again, this time from the planet Omicron7, a distant speck in a constellation far away that until now we knew nothing about at all. It turns out the Omicron’s from Omicron7 bear some slight similarities to the Delta’s from Deltamoid9; not to mention the Alpha’s from star cluster Alphabetti, the Beta’s from the Betamax nebula and those crafty Gamma crowd from the twinkling shoulder of the Gamma Gamma Gamma (a virus after midnight) galaxy. Naturally, we are doing everything we can, as fast as we can, to identify just what these alien invaders want, what they do and, if applicable, when they might go away and leave us alone. But until then we feel that it is only fair that we explain in as crystal clear terms as possible exactly what you can do to help us get back on track. As in the good track we’ve been on recently. A track that hasn’t been entirely crystal clear. Or necessarily good. To find out more about how killer viruses from outer space named after letters of the Greek alphabet can alter your life forever simply search: www.gov.uk/whattolookforinacovidwinter/everyonehastogosometime.
First and foremost, please don’t worry about Christmas. We can say, even now, that your Christmas is safe. It’s in the bank; a bank such as Northern Rock or the Royal Bank of Scotland. We know how hard it must have been to have missed Christmas last year and so we’ve put our heads together and asked ourselves “what would Jesus do?”, and the answer we’ve come up with, bearing in mind we have absolutely no idea what Jesus would actually do, is that he would want to spend his Christmas with loved ones and totally free to attend Christmas drinks, Christmas gatherings and Nativity plays. Having said that, if you can minimise all unnecessary social contact in the run up to the Christmas period, which secretly started several weeks ago, then that might be helpful, and would probably be the best answer to the question: “what would Jesus want?”. For details on what constitutes unnecessary contact in this context please go online to www.gov.uk/whattolookforinacovidwinter/whatdoesunncessarycontactmean.
At the moment we can clearly state that from our initial research we definitely know next to nothing about the invaders from Omicron7, except that they are mutants that we know next to nothing about. It is highly likely that they spread faster than, for instance, the invaders from Deltamoid9 but that they may possibly be slightly less damaging than, for instance, the Gamma’s from the Gamma Gamma Gamma (a virus after midnight) galaxy. Or was it the other way round? We’ll get back to you on that. What we absolutely think we know is that should you be approached by an invader from Omicron7 in the street you’re probably a lot better off if you’ve been vaccinated once, twice or three times a lady, though this doesn’t mean you should stop wearing a mask, unless you have a reason for not wearing a mask or you object to wearing one on the grounds that there isn’t really anyone enforcing mask wearing these days, and that most people just don’t care or have made a firm decision to forget to wear one. If you are unsure about when, where and how to wear a mask please go to www.gov.uk/whattolookforinacovidwinter/justwearamaskandstopbeingsofuckingawkward.
We appreciate that a few rather large pockets of our population have yet to be vaccinated once, twice or three times a lady, and we have to emphasise that the best way for us to get out of all this mess is for those who have missed out to come forward to get jabbed as soon as possible. Those members of the general population who have yet to be vaccinated because they are unable to get to a vaccination centre should go to www.gov.uk/whattolookforinacovidwinter/wherethefuckdoyoulive. To help as many people as possible to be vaccinated we are rolling out an update of our comprehensive vaccination programme and asking centres to reopen in some parts of the country as well as allowing pharmacists to open on a Sunday by temporarily relaxing the ‘May The Hand Of God’s Furious Wrath Be Upon Ye Pharmacists That Be Open On A Sunday’ Law of 1672. At present we are not adopting an Austrian style policy of insisting everyone gets vaccinated whether they like it or not, but for further guidance about whether to get the jab or not please go to www.gov.uk/whattolookforinacovidwinter/whatifI’mafraidofneedles/themoonlandingsreallydidhappen.
If you haven’t been bothered to get the vaccine yet, or consider your body to be a temple, or think that NHS nurses are worse than Vlad The Impaler, or spend a lot of your time reading up on false flag operations then you are strongly advised to avoid Christmas parties, Christmas drinks or Nativity plays; but since this Christmas is as good as guaranteed to be “considerably” better than last Christmas you can still attend Christmas parties, Christmas drinks and Nativity plays provided you take the recommended precautions such as wearing a mask in crowded places and washing your hands, if and when you remember or can be bothered to. Unless we change our minds at the last minute (note: we reserve the right to make up our minds about changing our minds at the last minute, at the last minute, if not even later than that). Even if you have been vaccinated once, twice and up to three times a lady, you must now wear a face mask when having your hair cut in an otherwise empty hair salon or barbers, but on no account should you feel obliged to do so whilst chatting loudly with friends in a busy pub or over a cup of mulled wine in a crowded church hall after enjoying a Nativity play. If you are in any way confused by our policy on Nativity plays then please go to www.gov.uk/whattolookforinacovidwinter/nativityplays/anabsolutelyessentialpartofatraditionalbritishchristmassince2021.
We’ll get through this. In the proud history of this great, proud nation we have always prided ourselves on our ability to pull together with pride and do what’s right for each other, unless it contradicts our own selfish individual needs and personal sense of pride. We’ve got through the worst privations that a nation can possibly imagine: from the horrors of the Black Death and the Blitz to having to wait an extra 24 hours for our Christmas deliveries. We say to you: let’s pull together now. We realise we first thought it was only safe to get a booster after six months but since some more shit has hit the fan we both can and cannot very safely assure you that three months will probably be ok. So come on, let’s roll our sleeves up to get ourselves jabbed and then step up and give those rotters from Omicron7 a bloody good hiding to nothing. Because they can take away our elderly and they can take away those of us with an underlying health problem or disproportionately affect those from an ethnic minority, but if these virus invaders from outer space think they can just turn up and take away our Christmas drinks, Christmas parties and that most essential strand of the fabric of our society – the Nativity play – then they can think again. United we stand. United we shall fall. For more information on any of the themes and issues tackled above please go to www.gov.uk/whattolookforinacovidwinter/sameshitdifferentchristmas.
Welcome to December.
G B Hewitt. 01.12.2021