That’s meditation.

Note to consumer: This mindfulness meditation guide is not affiliated with any internationally, nationally or locally recognized mindfulness meditation body or organisation and any positive mindfulness or meditative benefits you might experience from it are purely coincidental. To extract the very highest level of inner peacefulness from this exercise you should read it very slowly and try to pause for a few minutes between each sentence. It won’t make any difference whatsoever, but it will give you the impression you have paid a lot of money for a high-quality meditation service, when in fact you have been thoroughly swindled and would be more relaxed being tinkered with by a Thai masseuse. This product may be enhanced by a soundtrack of distant thunder, soft rain drops, ripening avocadoes and false hope.

Start your journey towards inner peacefulness by finding a quiet, comfortable and inwardly peaceful place to be – a favourite armchair in the conservatory, a warm soapy bath, a clearing deep in the woods that no-one else will ever visit, the kitchen of an elderly relative you have just murdered – and make sure there is nobody (alive) nearby that can disturb you. Wherever it is you have chosen to be now, take a deep, slow breath and imagine you are sitting on the shore of a peaceful lake, with some mountains in the background. This is your inner sanctum of inner peacefulnessness. You know that you can bring yourself here at any time. You know that no-one else can disturb you when you are here. Make sure you are sitting comfortably or lying down. But if you’re lying down make sure your body is relaxed and not like when you’re lying in bed and trying to read a hardback book. You are now ready to take your journey towards a special place of inwardly peaceful inner meditative fulfilment. With some calm chucked in there as well. Don’t worry, that Amazon package is at least 9 stops away, you have time.

With your eyes closed look out across the calm lake that you are having to imagine. Look across the still waters towards the mountains beyond and then slowly up at the fluffy, gentle clouds that are drifting by. One of those clouds looks like a sheep, and another looks like Richard Branson’s sex face. Imagine those clouds that are slowly drifting by are in fact all of your life dreams, that you can look at. And then imagine reaching out and touching those dreams as they slowly drift past. Or, if you’d prefer, imagine those clouds are all your worries and watch them slowly drift past you in the sky until they vanish, to be replaced by some more clouds (which could be your dreams, or more worries, depending on whether you have reached total inner peace by now – if you haven’t you may want to take a break and start again). Anyway, as you watch those imaginary clouds in your imagination try to capture the sounds of the water in the lake lapping gently, slowly, rhythmically against the shore and then imagine each small wave is a gentle hand stroking parts of your body and that with each stroke you are sinking slowly into the ground. Actually, stop a minute, because that sounds quite grim so instead imagine that with each gently lapping wave your worries and problems are being washed away. There, that’s a bit better. Where did you put your phone?

Oh, I almost forget, before you start looking at the clouds you need to focus on taking a deep breath. Even deeper than the deep one you took at the start. First push as much breath out of your lungs as you can, and now slowly breathe it back in again. You won’t literally be able to feel this but just imagine you can feel that breath going over the top of your brain and down your spine and then up your arse and through your stomach and then feel it filling your lungs with a kind of airy peacefulness and then hold that breath in your lungs before you let it out again. The whole process should take somewhere between 15 seconds and 4 minutes, depending on how much of a hurry you’re in and how much you smoke, but try to repeat it a few times until you have convinced yourself it has made even the tiniest amount of impact on your mindful state of wellbeingness. Then look back out in your mind at the imaginary lake and mountains and clouds and begin to feel everything that is around you. Can you feel the breeze tickling the hairs on your forearms? Can you feel the sun touching your bones and warming your soul? Can you feel your socks starting to itch? It’s probably still 6 stops away, you have time.

Whatever you are feeling let those feelings drift about so that you can touch them and feel them as if they are being felt by you at the same time. Don’t try and hold them or grab them because they’re abstract and that would be stupid, but instead just take another deep breath and tell yourself that you are in control of those feelings and that they are your friends. Or something like that. By now your body has started to slowly and gently drift across the surface of the lake. Don’t worry, you won’t sink or anything because you’re just imagining it, but if you can’t swim or you’re scared of lakes then just imagine that you can swim or that you’re floating on a lake of cotton wool instead. As you gently move think of time standing still and of you being totally in the moment of the moment that you’re in. Which you are. You must have left your phone at work. Focus. Take a moment, just try to breathe and think about time standing still, like you were before, earlier in time. Try to ignore the kitchen clock ticking. And as you move across that imaginary lake of cotton wool, through time that has stood still, try thinking, within the thought that you’re already thinking of, of a time in your past when you felt truly happy and relaxed. Find that moment and let it be at one with your whole being. I hope you left in your desk drawer.

By now your body and mind have reached a state of complete relaxedness. You can’t say for sure, but this could be the most relaxed you’ve ever felt. Now imagine a piece of string dangling above your head and that somehow you’re pulling on that string and as you pull it all the negative energy you have is being tugged (gently) out of your body and mind. All the thoughts that keep you awake at night and every twinge and ache you feel is being taken away on that string as you pull. Your impending divorce, your mounting credit card debt, that snagged toe nail, chronic tennis elbow, mouth ulcer and stage 4 bowel cancer should all just melt away. Is that a van that’s pulled up outside? No, it can’t be. Maybe 2 more stops. Still just time. You surely can’t have left it on your desk. Can you? You have now crossed the lake and are floating on a cloud of nothing and your breathing is calm and focused. As you breathe raise your hands slowly and place them across your chest to feel the soothing pulse of your heart beat. Try not to imagine the mountain that was once on the other side of the lake but is now looming above you, casting a shadow on your light. If you did leave it on your desk then someone will have nicked it by now. Your thoughts are now empty and your mind is totally open to positive energy and peaceful tranquillity. Take one last breath (you may as well make it a deep one) and feel it go around your body one more time (maybe do it in reverse, just to shake things up a little bit) and as you exhale again open your eyes slowly. That’s fucking Amazon at the door isn’t it? And as you open your eyes feel all the weight of your body float away and know that you are a better, happier, more peaceful person now, and that through this period of cheap, pointless guided meditation you have reached a very short-term level of mindfulness and relaxation that others can only find through crippling painkiller addiction or after a couple of heavy hits on a bong. Ahhh, that’s better. That’s meditation. If only everyone did it we’d all be fine.

G B Hewitt. 19.11.2021

Mistakes highly likely. I was distracted.

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