Out with a bong.

Just a quickie. Puff, puff. Pant, pant. Ding, dong. Who wants a bong? Go on, take a bong, you’ll feel better for it. A bong means different things to different people but it’s quite refreshing to have the word bouncing around the lower echelons of the news today. We’ve had pretty much a solid week […]

The joy of Janus.

January is my 12th favourite month. If there were 43 months in a year then January would be my 58th favourite. That perverse group of optimists and life coaches who say January should be a celebration of renewal and rejuvenation and revitalisation are chock full of shit and are probably already back on the crystal […]

What a pair of tossers.

Well I guess it was coming, sooner or later. I actually thought they couldn’t get any more self-centred but off they go again, Mrs and Mr Sussex, splashing their seaside caricature faces across the papers and websites, smiling outside as they seethe with resentment within; a confused kind of resentment that only the spoiled rotten […]

Everyone has their Pryce.

Those in the business usually say that The Golden Globe Awards is where the film awards season really kicks into gear. Perhaps what they mean is that it’s the first awards ceremony that both the public and the film industry simultaneously almost care about. He may not be everybody’s cuppa but personally my sole highlight […]

On fake national treasures.

Very few people can seem to mean so much to so many for so little reason than the Geordie flutter monkey Cheryl Cole. It might be me, I may have missed something, so please could someone tell me how she became something that rather alarmingly resembles a national treasure. I should be fair and acknowledge […]

We need someone up front.

Welcome to two thousand and twenty. 2020. Twenny twenny. We’ve come a long way since God got Mary up the duff but I sense we’ve reached the apex (not sure when, probably the summer of 1976) and now we’re sliding down the other side like those fat Boy Scouts on Jimmy’s rollercoaster. Where once there […]

Is this the best we can get?

As another year looms and everyone gets their hopes up it is worth remembering that we have had many things to be ungrateful for in 2019. I’m sure lots of you thought this year would be filled with joy but once again the human race has let itself down, and when it does this (which […]

On Christmas Day, in the morning.

Having swerved the usual glass of bucks fizz I find I am a little more focused this morning than I normally would be, and so here’s some festive thoughts. You’re welcome. Later on we’ll be hearing all about how 2019 has been for The Queen and her thoroughly redundant family. She’s taken understatement to a […]

Peace on earth?

I know it’s Christmas but it doesn’t really feel like it. When’s the second coming? That’s what I want to know. Yes, the lights are on and the carols are being sung and the shelves are heaving, the trollies colliding and the car parks bursting with pent up aggression but that wasn’t what Jesus was […]

Jingle, jingle; musical tinsel and jizz.

Imagine dying to the sound of a Christmas song. Imagine the sense of anti-climax and of waste, the feeling that despite all your sins and flaws you still felt you deserved better. Slipping away to the sound of Roy Wood or Shakin’ Stevens or Paul McCartney hiccupping their way through their very own festive nice-little-earner. […]