Which one was he?

It’s easy to get confused with names. You could be talking about one person to someone else who could have a completely different idea in their head. All it takes is a different spelling and ignorance. I’m sure we’ve all done it and no-where is it more common than in those frequent occasions when discussing David Guetta, Eddie Vedder and David Vetter. Don’t be shy, you know you get muddled with that lot so, because I love you, I’ve decided to give you a complete guide to all three through the medium of a little competition.

Round One: French Twatness. Only one clear winner here. David Guetta is quite simply a French Twat. He was born in Paris which makes him extra French. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t knowingly recognise one of his tunes at any time of the day yet somehow he’s sold millions of records to millions of people with no taste. If only they knew that they’re allowed to listen to good music instead. Eddie Vedder was born in Illinois and David Vetter was born, raised and died in Texas. Poor thing.

Round Two: Musical Ability. This is a tricky one. Eddie Vedder is best known as the vocalist for Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam made it big during the grunge craze of the 90’s but were never quite as annoying or pointless as Nirvana. Having said that Pearl Jam were still a bit shit and when I was at school most of the boys who liked them were tossers and seemed to spend most of their time spitting in each other’s hair or being sick in bins. Not looking good for Eddie then but his musical ability at least tops David Guetta’s, who spends a lot of his time remixing other people’s work or chucking out solid plastic turds of music such as an album called ‘Guetta Blaster’ and topping the UK charts with a song called ‘Sexy Bitch’. Charming. Sadly even Guetta’s scant musical ability trumps David Vetter who spent almost his entire life in a plastic bubble to avoid catching germs. Since the chamber was kept inflated with very loud air compressors it is unlikely that poor David would have been able to concentrate long enough to compose and demo any new material or practice instruments, which would have required lots of disinfectant before he could get his pristine little mitts on them. Two disastrous rounds for David Vetter, surely he needs a stroke of luck.

Round Three: Infections. And here it is! Being French and spending most of his time in sexually promiscuous nightclubs, oozing with stuff like chlamydia and herpes, David Guetta is likely to have a few germs going round his system. Equally Eddie Vedder has spent nearly 30 years in the rock and roll industry and doubtless has picked up plenty of infections from all those people spitting in his hair. Or being sick in his bin. Young David Vetter, sometimes referred to as ‘the bubble boy’, on the other hand spent most of his 12 years avoiding infections. Avoiding them like the plague, I suppose. That’s because he had severe combined immunodeficiency which meant his immune system wasn’t worth a shit. Sadly he did eventually succumb to an infection which led to his premature death, and I now feel almost sorry I started writing this article. I’m a bad, bad person.

Round Four: Proportion Of Life Spent In A Bubble. Regrets aside I’d better get on and finish it, especially as David Vetter is back in the race and this round is (predictably) going to be of the ‘one horse’ variety. Through several painstaking minutes of intense research I can find no recorded instances of either David Guetta or Eddie Vedder spending any time in a bubble and even if they had I doubt they would have done so for very long because it’s not very rock and roll. Besides can you name any musician who has achieved international fame from within the confines of a bubble? David Vetter on the other hand spent almost his entire life sealed in some kind of plastic membrane. It goes without saying that his day to day existence must have been unimaginably rubbish and in that respect his early demise would have been a merciful release anyway. Which takes us nicely to the fifth and final round.

Round Five: Lifespan. A couple of very strong rounds for David Vetter there but I’m afraid he’s run out of luck (again). Dying at the age of 12 was grim but it is unlikely his life would ever have improved to the extent that that he would have enjoyed it. Our two ‘musicians’ however are both still alive and thank goodness for that because there’s rarely a moment when I’m not actively avoiding listening to any of their work. In case you were still interested Guetta is 49 but remains labouring under the impression that he is 17 and about to lose his virginity to a prostitute. Eddie Vedder can top that though with a whopping 52 years under his custom leather belt so he just creeps past to take the final round. Nice one Eddie!

So, that concludes this riveting identification game and using a barely comprehensible scoring system I can tell you that David Guetta scored 8 points, the French Twat, but joint first place goes to Eddie Vedder and David Vetter who both scored 9 points. One would imagine that Eddie would allow Vetter the real honours in tribute to the fact he’s no longer alive. More importantly I trust that this little exercise has given you just enough detail so that never again will you find yourself getting confused when discussing David Guetta, Eddie Vedder or David Vetter. Which must be a relief. And yes, you’re very welcome.

G B Hewitt. 27.08.2017

Ps, my thanks to LD and the book ‘10% Human’ for inspiration. Top chum!

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